The Water Connoisseur


The Water Connoisseur is an Oxford graduate with a double concentration in hydrology and fluid dynamics. I live, breathe, eat, and drink water. This blog is my review of various bottled and freshwater sources; I have a trained palate capable of recognizing the subtle nuances that each source of water encompasses and have decided to share my abilities with the world. You are welcome, and please enjoy.




Created by @HardcoreBoris

deLish Artesian Water 1L Bottle ($1.99)

The face of the large clear bottle deLish comes in boasts two selling points: a naturally balanced 7.6pH and 0% Iron. This water contains 0% of literally an infinite amount of ingredients so a special “shout out” to iron suggests a guilty conscience. How little iron is allowed to exist in order to be rounded to 0%?

Lifting the cap I immediately recognize trace scents of hospital
hallway. I recently visited a friend getting surgery at NYU
Presbyterian, so rest assured this smell is fresh in my mind and
unmistakable.

The first sip provided me with all necessary information. It seems my tongue is more finely calibrated than deLish’s lab equipment because I distinctly recognize at least .026-.031% iron. This is of course a non-lethal amount and does not negatively effect the taste. The aftertaste, however, is absolutely putrid. “Flavors” range from gutter residue to a bus floor. The iron content is not this water’s downfall but it is a key indicator in the companies flawed organization and quality control.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Recommended
alternative uses include attempting to dissolve a “rat king,” skipping
stones (as their packaging properly suggests), and disrespecting a
national flag via super soaker.

Tagged: deLishbottle1.5 Crystal Goblets

Activate Deionized Water 20oz Bottle ($2.67)

Activate appears to be a promising brand aside from their use of a
cheaper plastic bottle. Any water claiming to be of superior quality
should be contained in glass, crystal, or bone. I do respect their
simple label design, however; the bottle is covered and yet has a
clear window from which to visually inspect the contents. All looks
clear, so let us hope other senses continue to satisfy.

Activate states that nutrients deteriorate sitting in water, so they do not add any. In fact, they remove all nutrients and impurities through a deionization and reverse osmosis process. Although I am well
versed in the technical aspects of these mechanisms, the average reader need only be concerned with results. Unfortunately, after
smelling the water, it seems the results are sharp scents of stale bread and workout clothes.

I am of course quite disappointed; my hopes were high for a water with
such a well articulated mission statement. The taste followed through
with a similar letdown. A soft aftertaste of mildew with dabs of
rotting yeast. I must assume there is a series of flaws in the
manufacturers technical process.

 

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include cooling down hand blown glasswares, circulating through a "urinating Cupid" water fountain, and concocting artificial sweat for cybernetic organisms.

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Arctic Sol 739mL Bottle ($1.99)

I purchased this water at a rest stop somewhere along I-95 in Virginia. I’d been eating sunflower seeds throughout a road trip and ran out of the water I had brought along faster than anticipated.

The bottle, despite being of inferior plastic material, is pleasantly clear and large. Were there any visual imperfections in the water, spotting them would be rather simple. Many contaminants are colorless, however; a test for odor must follow. The musk this bottle emanated was strongly reminiscent of old chicken skin.

I asked the cashier to take a waft in order to confirm but she insisted it was outside of her professional responsibility. I personally believe familiarity with the product to be the duty of any water purveyor but I did not wish to challenge her threat of legal ramifications.

Perhaps the real reason she resisted though was her knowledge of the water’s quality, or lack thereof. I took a gulp after she resisted the bottle, and noticed distinct after-tastes of salt and rust. The water was curiously smoky tasting despite its transparent appearance. I resisted gagging as I was indoors but had I been in the privacy of my own home, I would have allowed myself to dry heave until whatever I had just consumed left my body.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include liquid density testing for Cuban refugee boat building materials, mixing with solid waste in order to soften it for the sink’s garbage disposal, and cement mix.

Tagged: Arctic SolBottle.5 Crystal Goblets

Aquarius Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($2.16)

While eating at a Five Guys hamburger chain I had noticed a particular brand of water I was not familiar with. $2.16 is far below my price threshold for water, but the quality should be consistent. The shoddy plastic bottle and retro label made the price seem excessive but I assume this is to offset the cost of unlimited free peanuts.

I lifted the cap and smelled distinct hues of ethanol and dried pork. These are of course incredibly subtle if not unnoticeable to the untrained consumer; to a professional, however, they are distastefully aromatic.

I proceeded to quaff the water despite its scent and undoubtedly, the taste was tragically similar. A nauseating mix of salt and free radicals. After some research, I had learned that Aquarius is a Brazilian subsidiary of the Coca-Cola owned Dasani. A hierarchy of command is unraveled as we travel further down the water bottle industry’s rabbit hole.

Despite the re-bottling and brand masking afoot, this water fails to pass my stringent standards. 

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include wetting a ladies sleeping bag so that she has no choice but to snuggle up in yours, warping your imbecile cousin’s records so that he grows up and finds a real career, and soaking a shirt in order to freeze it.

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Simplify Water 500mL Bottle ($2.79/24pk)

A friend of mine had recently invested in a 24pack of Simplify Water bottles at a local Rite Aid. They were discounted for a few weeks and of course the average consumer does not consider the degradation in quality that is often associated with frugal water shopping.

Steven, my thrifty friend, offered myself and other guests at his soiree a bottle. I explained to him that this water is clearly beneath my standards but that I would review it as long as he would consider discarding the water if it is deemed unworthy.

Upon lifting the cap, I caught a subtle waft of kitty litter and nail polish remover. The factories that bottle these things often go through various products and of course the more shoddy plants do a poor job of decontamination. I took a sip nonetheless and was not surprised when the taste left my tongue in a sad state of disarray. I apologized after gagging amongst company and explained that my palate is simply more sensitive than the lay man consumer. My recent hospitalization story was certainly evidence enough.

Per our agreement, I drained the remainder of the 24pack into the sink and told everyone they were welcome to my services. I would say the Water Connoisseur was once again the life of a party.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include humidifying your guest house, testing gutter systems, and soaking rags used to cool feverish gypsies.

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The Water Connoisseur is Back With a Review of NY2O Water 591mL Bottle ($3.89)

I have been away from my duties for 3 full months and it is with no levity that I take such a hiatus. Never would I, by my own accord, deprive the endearing public of the vital information this blog provides.

It is with my first review back that I shall explain the circumstances under which I have left this void in the blogosphere.

NY2O water was my review of choice 3 months ago after I had seen a bottle at a popular New York gift shop. I was in a rush so I placed it in my top frame briefcase, proceeded to hale a yellow-cab, and decided to review the bottle on my ride across town. I wish I could describe the scent upon lifting the cap, but it is difficult for me to do so because of a limited recollection as well as severe emotional discomfort. As was explained to me much later on, I carefully wafted the contents of the bottle and immediately fell into a deep coma.

My palate has been trained to such a heightened sensitivity that the toxins within this water made my brain shut off as a defense mechanism, preventing me from harming my own body with any further intake.

Lacking any immediate family here in the states, I awoke alone at Beth Israel medical center- only my familiar briefcase within my eye line. I opened it up for clues and found my laptop as well as the NY2O bottle. Never running from my duties, it was by pure visceral instinct that I opened the bottle and prepared to write a review. I took a sip of the water and immediately fell into a second coma, this time for two full months.

So now you understand that it was by no personal choice, and merely from the very dedication to my duty, that I have been absent for such an inexcusable duration. I beg the forgiveness of my readers, but this is one review I must delve into no further. I have no choice but to rate this water based on technicality.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.


This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include drowning subway rats, ash tray filler, and as a general instrument of death in the Obamacare mandatory euthenization plan.

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Sonic Wave Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($1.49)

On a trip with a few friends, I stopped by Sonic Drive-In as I had never been there before. For those unfamiliar, it is a throwback to the drive in restaurants of the 60s where burgers and shakes are skated over to your car by the employees. In today’s modern times, the skaters are no longer buxom ladies however. Ideally, the position is open to all but it was mostly aggressive teenage boys in hockey skates.

I am all for equality but rigorous physical activity and hospitality do not go hand in hand in hormone filled teenage boys let alone anyone. These young men were too busy showing off their skating moves and insulting the McDonalds employees across the street for having to work “on foot” to properly tend to their own customers. I patiently waiter, however, and finally received my water.

Sonic Wave water is the mad men of waters. I am referring of course not to the show Mad Men, but to the “mad man” characters that the show is about. They are aesthetically pleasing as is this bottle design. The graphic design is a subtle throwback to the visuals of the time. The function of these men, however, was often compromised by their various vices and indiscretions and this water is no different.

The bottle is still plastic and a bluish tint at that, which I have often mentioned as being a tool to mask oddly hued water. After removing the cap I smelled a subtle aroma of squid ink along with a tinge of hair gel. I’d be surprised to find that Sonic even offers a squid ink item on their menu so I will assume the contaminant entered early in the bottling process. After taking a sip, the ink took a more backseat tone with the hair gel becoming much more prominent on the palate. The feeling is quite disturbing albeit somewhat preferable to what I imagine a deeper squid ink taste would bring but most likely less natural and less safe for my biology.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include testing water safety gear for flotation, cooling 60s era water-cooled muscle car engines, and for throwing back at the rollerblading server as an adaptation of the popular “fire in the hole” drive through prank game.

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Crystal Geyser Alpine Spring 500mL Bottle ($0.99)

Crystal Geyser talks a lot of talk for a water in a plastic bottle. They claim to be bottled at the source of a spring to “ensure quality, taste, and freshness. I do not understand how these factors can be ensured when the entire operation is compromised by the plastic water bottle. This packaging seems to be a common “bottle-neck” for water quality.*

The water was relatively clear but the scent had a vague musk of old jigsaw puzzle cardboard. This is not a particularly harmful odor so I immediately went in for the sip and was caught off guard. There are indeed hints of cardboard but with an addition aftertaste of under-cooked bacon and a slight suggestion of iron.

Although the plastic bottle is the only obvious indiscretion, a a bacon and iron hue would not result from this. Either the bottling operation is contaminated with foreign agents or the spring itself has been compromised. This is a particularly alarming situation as it would effect the entire ecosystem of New Hampshire, but I digress. My specialty is simply in water and this sample is grotesquely sub-par.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include pouring into a gas tank to sabotage an enemy’s car, soaking a monkey’s fur before shaving it in order to claim it as a “freak-man” at a circus show, and weighing down the base of a driveway basketball post.

*Pun Intended

Tagged: Crystal GeyserSpringAlpineBottle1 Crystal Goblet

Evamor Natural Artesian Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)

Evamor is is a natural artesian water marketed as a rare alkaline source. Despite the water indeed being basic at a ph of 8.8, I would be hesitant before describing this as rare.

Although the bottle is not glass, they seem to exude some confidence in their product considering the clarity of the plastic and the diameter of the pouring spout. The water does indeed appear clear but the smell is unfortunately a detour from this pleasantry. I was not ready to waft due to the large spout that released odors at an exasperating rate.

Despite my quick reflexes, I did not pull my nostrils away before I was infiltrated with the fumes of cotton-balls and hamburger. This may seem like a pleasant odor to some despite its inappropriateness in context, but I can assure you it is not. Of course the subtly of it will allow the lay man  consumer to possibly drink without notice but the harm done to their body will not be worth their ignorance.

I proceeded to take a sip, all the while still having to smell the stenches rising from the giant spout, uncover-able by my manly, yet moderately sized mouth -my whiskers soaking in the concoction like an unholy soup. The taste is reminiscent of meat floating in a tub of milk. Like garlic to vampires, this concoction is appropriately avoided by the Jews in this instance. Imagine this mix being left in the desert sun for a week or two and that is the taste that my highly sensitive palate picks up from this water. Unpleasant to say the least.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include wetting sandbox sand for easier pliability, spraying mist for rainy video filming effects, and hosing fraternity pledges early in the morning as a wake up call, physically but usually not metaphorically.

Tagged: evamornaturalartesianbottle.5 Crystal Goblets

Rite Aid Pantry Crystal Lake Spring Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)

They days of a water connoisseur are long and arduous. I do not wish
to burden my audience with the woes of my efforts, but it takes a
pristine mental state in order to properly assess the taste of water
without mood and personal gripes swaying the analysis from an
objective one. Sharing my current ennui allows these feelings to purge
so that I may continue in a professional manner.

Once again on a trip to New Jersey, I stopped by the Rite Aid pharmacy
to purchase a comb for my beard and mustache. These hairs, despite
their elegant presence, must be carefully monitored and groomed lest
they contaminate the water as I drink it. At the Rite Aid I happened
to stumble upon their own brand fo water in the midst of others I am
more familiar with.

After purchasing the mustache comb and brushing all rogue hairs to
their rightful position, I lifted the cap to find a light stench of
seaweed and muskrat. The label specifically states “Sodium Free” so this is already disconcerting. I wafted a bit more before taking a sip and
finally tasting what can only be described as a mix of animal
parts soaked in seawater. This is of course subtle to me and often
undetectable to the average consumer, but it most definitely is a
health concern as well as a violation of FDA standards if not properly
disclosed.

 The Rite Aid employee could confirm nothing when confronted. I do not blame him, of course; he is but a cog in the Rite Aid tainted water machine. Needless to say, this atrocity of a water was properly named after the lake in which the horrors of the “Friday the 13th” movies took place. 

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate uses include softening produce waste stuck inside a garbage disposal, putting inside a glass and covering a bad waiters tip upside down with said glass so that water is spilled when the glass is lifted, and wetting the anal cavity in order to create a seal and produce voluminous as opposed to silent flatulence.

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