March 2012
1 post
3 tags
deLish Artesian Water 1L Bottle ($1.99)
The face of the large clear bottle deLish comes in boasts two selling points: a naturally balanced 7.6pH and 0% Iron. This water contains 0% of literally an infinite amount of ingredients so a special “shout out” to iron suggests a guilty conscience. How little iron is allowed to exist in order to be rounded to 0%?
Lifting the cap I immediately recognize trace scents of hospital...
February 2012
3 posts
4 tags
Activate Deionized Water 20oz Bottle ($2.67)
Activate appears to be a promising brand aside from their use of a cheaper plastic bottle. Any water claiming to be of superior quality should be contained in glass, crystal, or bone. I do respect their simple label design, however; the bottle is covered and yet has a clear window from which to visually inspect the contents. All looks clear, so let us hope other senses continue to satisfy.
...
3 tags
Arctic Sol 739mL Bottle ($1.99)
I purchased this water at a rest stop somewhere along I-95 in Virginia. I’d been eating sunflower seeds throughout a road trip and ran out of the water I had brought along faster than anticipated.
The bottle, despite being of inferior plastic material, is pleasantly clear and large. Were there any visual imperfections in the water, spotting them would be rather simple. Many contaminants are...
5 tags
Aquarius Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($2.16)
While eating at a Five Guys hamburger chain I had noticed a particular brand of water I was not familiar with. $2.16 is far below my price threshold for water, but the quality should be consistent. The shoddy plastic bottle and retro label made the price seem excessive but I assume this is to offset the cost of unlimited free peanuts.
I lifted the cap and smelled distinct hues of ethanol and...
January 2012
2 posts
3 tags
Simplify Water 500mL Bottle ($2.79/24pk)
A friend of mine had recently invested in a 24pack of Simplify Water bottles at a local Rite Aid. They were discounted for a few weeks and of course the average consumer does not consider the degradation in quality that is often associated with frugal water shopping.
Steven, my thrifty friend, offered myself and other guests at his soiree a bottle. I explained to him that this water is clearly...
4 tags
The Water Connoisseur is Back With a Review of...
I have been away from my duties for 3 full months and it is with no levity that I take such a hiatus. Never would I, by my own accord, deprive the endearing public of the vital information this blog provides. It is with my first review back that I shall explain the circumstances under which I have left this void in the blogosphere. NY2O water was my review of choice 3 months ago after I had seen...
September 2011
4 posts
4 tags
Sonic Wave Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($1.49)
On a trip with a few friends, I stopped by Sonic Drive-In as I had never been there before. For those unfamiliar, it is a throwback to the drive in restaurants of the 60s where burgers and shakes are skated over to your car by the employees. In today’s modern times, the skaters are no longer buxom ladies however. Ideally, the position is open to all but it was mostly aggressive teenage...
5 tags
Crystal Geyser Alpine Spring 500mL Bottle ($0.99)
Crystal Geyser talks a lot of talk for a water in a plastic bottle. They claim to be bottled at the source of a spring to “ensure quality, taste, and freshness. I do not understand how these factors can be ensured when the entire operation is compromised by the plastic water bottle. This packaging seems to be a common “bottle-neck” for water quality.*
The water was relatively...
5 tags
Evamor Natural Artesian Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)
Evamor is is a natural artesian water marketed as a rare alkaline source. Despite the water indeed being basic at a ph of 8.8, I would be hesitant before describing this as rare.
Although the bottle is not glass, they seem to exude some confidence in their product considering the clarity of the plastic and the diameter of the pouring spout. The water does indeed appear clear but the smell is...
5 tags
Rite Aid Pantry Crystal Lake Spring Water 591mL...
They days of a water connoisseur are long and arduous. I do not wish to burden my audience with the woes of my efforts, but it takes a pristine mental state in order to properly assess the taste of water without mood and personal gripes swaying the analysis from an objective one. Sharing my current ennui allows these feelings to purge so that I may continue in a professional manner.
Once again on...
4 tags
athlade Sport Water 360 591mL ($1.79)
I started going to the gym again recently and decided what better time than now to review a water geared for athletes. Although it is a foolish idea that water needs to be specially marketed toward various specific demographics, I need not negate such waters from the scrutiny of my expertise. The public has a right to know, and perhaps one such water will nonetheless be of the fine quality that...
August 2011
6 posts
6 tags
Hurricanes and Bottled Water: Conspiracy
The supermarkets are packed to capacity as the masses prepare for a hurricane here in the Northeast. Relatively uncommon in this part of the world, the public has been instructed to over-prepare rather than suffer the consequences of doing too little. It is of course still impossible to tell with utmost certainty what mother nature has in store for New York City this Sunday.
Perhaps this hurricane...
4 tags
PurAqua Spring Water .5L Bottle ($1.65)
I am unfortunately getting quite bored of these typical bottles but will review nonetheless. You want this and you will get it. PurAqua looks like a plain water, in a plain bottle, with a plain label. The only thing that could take me out of this ennui is the remote possibility of this water actually tasting good.
While I am always hopeful, it is difficult to stay positive when such a lack of...
4 tags
Cumberland Farms Spring Water 710mL Bottle ($1.88)
Cumberland Farms is already on thin ice as it is not a farm but a convenience store/gas station. They are apparently also a producer of their own brand of water. Although the brand is clearly false advertising, the fact that one would have to be at their store to buy this water should make it clear that they are not a farm.
The bottle is of a blue hue, which as noted on previous reviews...
5 tags
Kirkland Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($3.79 for 32...
I must admit that I was at first only familiar with batteries made by the “Kirkland Signature” brand. This is clearly not horizontal or vertical integration but after visiting the Costco store which sells this water, I learned that nearly every product imaginable is produced by Kirkland. Although this would give them the investment necessary for a proper water processing and filtration...
5 tags
Super Spring Water 3.79L Jug ($1.19)
I tried to find this water in a smaller container but there was none available. Either Super is meant for long term storage or they wish to position themselves as a ‘family brand.’ luckily, the families of the world can rest assured that the water connoisseur will use his abilities to assess their water for quality control. Upon unscrewing the cap, I immediately picked up on traces of...
July 2011
4 posts
4 tags
Wataah! Vapor Distilled Water 500mL Bottle ($2.00)
Wataah! is a water brand marketed towards children to be less “boring” than typical water. As an aficionado of the original, I find this bastardizing marketing gimmick to be offensive and misleading. What is being sold here is not water but cartoons and promotional elements. Only a quality product could possibly make up for the demeaning nature with which this water has been packaged...
4 tags
Appalachian Trail Natural Spring Water (free)
This was a natural spring water source we stumbled upon while hiking the Appalachian trail. According to locals, it is the best tasting water they have ever had. One such local, a camp counselor in the area offered to take us to the spot and of course I could not pass up the opportunity to give their water a professional assessment.
This particular spot was not far from the Delaware water gap....
5 tags
Deer Park Water Cooler 5gal Jug ($10 in bulk)
I visited a friend on the upper west side of Manhattan to find this water cooler residing as his primary water source. The equipment is free with sign up for delivery. This subscription costs $30/month for 3x5gallon jugs per month.
Although this is fair price for the quantity, I was appalled that my friend would make such a commitment to a water I had not yet reviewed. I expressed my concern for...
6 tags
NYC Water Mobile Fountain (free)
While walking the streets of New York City I stumbled upon this contraption set up in Times Square. It appears to be some sort of bathtub rigged with water fountain faucets and hoisted onto a wheel-able base. Hosed directly into the city’s water line, this is probably one of the purest samples of New York’s tap water without the added factors of a particular building’s piping.
...
June 2011
5 posts
4 tags
1 litre Natural Artesian Water 1L Bottle ($3.79)
1 Litre, a water branded and fit for a glutton. A cup is included as part of the bottle design for convenience, perhaps so that the hedonistic brute who purchases this water doesn’t choke from chugging a straight litre. Upon lifting the cap, I smell an odd bouquet of ham and mouthwash. Albeit faint, my palate picks up on such details easily. While the average consumer may not notice these...
3 tags
PureSwiss Mineral Water 500mL Bottle ($1.89)
PureSwiss is the first glass bottle being reviewed and is much anticipated. Despite the superior packaging as well as potential import tariffs, the price is relatively low. Hailing from the Swiss Alps, this is a mineral water from the San Bernardino area. Although the packaging is a step above the norm, the cap is a simple metal top, as opposed to a cork.
Lifting the cap reveals a slight scent of...
3 tags
Member's Mark Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($3.29...
This is an immediately deceiving and offensive bottle of water. The ‘Member’s Mark’ brand implies some sort of elite stature, such as ‘Maker’s Mark’ or ‘Member’s Only’ and yet this bottle is the most generic, low budget packaging one could find. I have pledged to review all brands, however, and am hopeful that perhaps the quality is not...
4 tags
AUDI Promotional Water 500mL Bottle...
I went for a day-trip to a moderately sized town by the name of Edison, New Jersey, presumably named after the Bailiwick of Jersey, though no locals were aware when I’d asked. A former Oxford school-mate of mine had settled in the town with his ‘common’ American wife and the plan for the day was to visit the Audi dealership where he was considering making a purchase. I had grown...
5 tags
Snapple Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($1.50)
Never would I on my own accord opt for one of the most over hyped, factory run brands in the beverage industry. I had a terrible migraine on my way to see the ‘Bridesmaids’ movie and purchased headache medicine at the nearest corner store. To my surprise, the only available water with which to take this medicine was Snapple. Not particularly know for their water, Snapple of course...
May 2011
4 posts
5 tags
O Icelandic Glacial Spring Water 500mL Bottle...
For such an extravagantly designed plastic bottle, ‘O’ water could have simply invested in a glass one, especially if they claim to be a carbon neutral product. This is simply marketing of course and it appears marketing is all that this water is about. A nifty looking bottle, a “carbon neutral slogan”, and of course branding. They have decided to market themselves as the...
3 tags
Re-Source Natural Spring Water 700mL Bottle...
This review has already been compromised due to Re-Source’s need to spell their name using the earth in place of the letter ‘o’. Like the Ke$ha of water, only worse –there is no ‘earth’ key on the keyboard. My expectations for this water are already minimal as I suspect this to be a ploy so that the public is unable to search properly for Re-Source reviews. Luckily, the public is...
5 tags
Eternal New Zealand Artesian Water 1L Bottle...
Eternal Water is a brand of smoke and mirrors, designed to give the illusion of high quality water. Perhaps the New Zealand public is easily fooled or perhaps my powers of observation are above the average drinker, but it is apparent to me that this is a substandard product.
A clever bottle shape allows an otherwise narrow label to
magnify, filling the back of this bottle. While quite the...
4 tags
Brooklyn Tap At Chinese Restaurant (free w/...
I reviewed Manhattan tap in a previous post and wanted to compare between boroughs. I didn’t want a particular home’s piping interfering with my research and chose a public location as relatively neutral ground. The chosen location was a Chinese Restaurant called ‘Chinese Restaurant’ in Fort Greene, Brooklyn.
I must admit there was a language barrier that has caused a...
April 2011
4 posts
4 tags
penta Ultra-Purified Water 500 mL Bottle ($1.99)
Penta Water is labeled as ‘Ultra-Purified,’ and is followed by a long list of contaminants that this water is ‘free of’ -including Chlorine and Arsenic.
When I exit the bathroom of the Natural History Museum I do not proceed to tell everyone in the hall that I did NOT just pleasure myself in the handicapped stall. What I mean is, either penta has a guilty conscience and...
3 tags
Keeper Springs Water 500mL Bottle ($0.69)
Keeper Springs is some sort of strange, non-profit water company that charges little enough for me to finally fulfill my dream of emptying out the filthy Central Park pond and refilling it with proper bottled water. That is, of course, if this water passes my pristine standards. Also, such a task would require an electric fence or some other barrier to keep animals and diseased vagabonds form...
5 tags
VOSS Artesian Water from Norway 500mL Bottle...
VOSS is marketed as a high end water that is sold in a large plastic perfume bottle. The bottle appears glass at first sight, which contributes to VOSS’ aesthetic appeal. This is of course fraudulent since the bottle is not glass but the plus side is that the dimensions are perfect for sending through pneumatic tubes at a 1990’s drive through bank.
Upon first waft, the bouquet of the water...
3 tags
TŶ NANT Sprint Water 1L Bottle ($2.29)
What a disappointment. I am ashamed of my years at Oxford. TŶ NANT is a British spring water bottled in Bethania, Wales that is exported for the sole purpose of insulting Americans. Their web site boasts several glass bottle designs, appropriate for a luxury water brand, but the one I procured here in the states is plastic. The recycling label on this bottle lists only US states, meaning the...
March 2011
5 posts
4 tags
ethos Water 700mL Bottle ($2.25)
I’d seen ethos water around town and decided to review it, not realizing that it is exclusive to Starbucks. The label boasts that for every bottle you buy, Starbucks donates 5cents to support programs to provide water- but only in countries where coffee is grown! How clever. This isn’t a humanitarian program, this just Starbucks trying to keep employees from dragging dirt into the...
4 tags
Iceland Pure Sprint Water 500mL Bottle ($1.35)
Iceland Pure spring water immediately caught my eye as I have yet to review a Nordic water source. Much like the Fiji bottle, Iceland has chosen to design a water bottle in the style of a fish tank. Theirs is less successful as they have also decided to make their bottle as tall and thin as humanly possible. Any thinner and you will be drinking from a container that is also its own straw.
The...
3 tags
Just The Basics 500mL Bottle ($2.99 for 24)
Just The Basics is about as cheap as bottled water can get. At $2.99 for a 24 pack at your local CVS, even the poorest homeless child can now afford to stop bathing in tap water like some sort of animal. As for drinking, that we shall find out.
As their name suggests, Just The Basics is claiming to throw away all the frills and tassels that most water companies throw in as luxuries and offer...
4 tags
Jana European Artesian Water 500mL Bottle ($1.59)
Jana is a Natural European Artesian water bottled in the “picturesque Croatian village of St.Jana.” With such a “picturesque village” it befuddles me as to why they would opt to inexplicably put photos of broccoli on their label. It also boasts being Europe’s best tasting water, awarded “Highest Quality” and labeled as Kosher. I am unsure as to the size of...
3 tags
evian 500mL Bottle ($1.89)
Ever since the outbreak of the avian flu, evian water has had a difficulty marketing its products due to an unjust phonetic association. Although quite arbitrary, skeptics have been “flocking” away from the brand with so many alternatives to choose from.
As a non-partisan source of review, I have decided to help evian out in possibly dispelling it’s undeserved stigma. Although...
February 2011
4 posts
4 tags
Niagara Airline Water 1L Bottle (complementary)
Water on a flight is of particular importance as it can sooth the agitated body and calm the nerves. While I could not get a full bottle to myself, the stewardess allowed me to photograph it for my research before pouring the water into a small iced cup.
I flew coach but only so that I could review the water from a commoners perspective. The things I do for my public! It’s difficult to...
5 tags
Volvic Natural Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($2.22)
I figured it was time to pamper myself and indulge in a water with the potential for greatness. “Volvic” water, despite its poor packaging, comes from France -the origin of all bottled water. It is advertised as emerging from a volcanic ecosystem, although the name “Volvic” is more reminiscent of the vulva than it is volcano. I will let this slide since neither image is a...
3 tags
New York Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($1.56)
Oh lady liberty; give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses, and I will sell them Manhattan sewage at a dollar fifty per bottle. Albeit a clever way to disguise a bar-code, the image of the Statue of Liberty, a filthy old structure resting just south of the toxically infested Hudson River, does not suggest healthy fluids. I suppose that is why they found the need to write “it’s...
4 tags
NAYA Canadian Natural Spring Water 1L Bottle...
Why would America pay to import a water that is so close to home and so similar to the generic waters found here? This isn’t from a particular spring, nor is it processed in some manner that is elusive to the US. Even if it had some sort of value, the United States is perfectly capable of taking this water by force. Canada lacks what we would even define as an “army,” why are we...
January 2011
6 posts
3 tags
Dasani 20oz Plastic Bottle (approx. $1)
Dasani, named after the Indian goddess of moisture, is a water brand owned by the infamous Coca-Cola company. According to legend, Dasani never drank a beverage in her life and yet would salivate, sweat, urinate, and dispel H20 from any and all orifices as needed. The townspeople would visit her during the drought seasons and sing to her so that she may exude water from her body which they would...
3 tags
Fiji Natural Artesian Water 500mL Plastic Bottle...
What kind of buffoon would design a water bottle to look like a fish tank? This is supposed to be a source of clean drinking water yet the image suggests residue of Koi excrete and plastic scuba diver. I checked the bottle thoroughly and see no fish but of course my eyes are not nearly as sharp as my tongue.
The brand name immediately caught my attention as I have been to the islands of Fiji,...
3 tags
Smartwater 20oz Plastic Bottle ($2.40)
Without even tasting it, I am skeptical based on the name. It is the water equivalent of sweatpants with ‘sexy’ written on the buttocks. Let the public judge themselves which butts are sexy and which waters are smart! The “sexy sweatpants” buttocks claims superiority, yet lacks the class to put on something other than sweatpants. Similarly, this water is marketed as a...
4 tags
BexarMet Government Water 20oz Plastic Bottle...
Make no mistake reader. I did not purchase this water nor would I ever choose to subject myself to government water like some unemployed philistine. Work was being done to the water line on my street and while the pressure was shut off, a box of this socialist fodder was dropped off on my vestibule. If I wanted the government involved in my water distribution, dropping off bottles like some sort...
4 tags
MTV Building Soda Machine Tap (free for employees)
I want to make it clear that tap water is beneath me. There are a few exceptions that I will eventually get to (i.e. natural sources in the Swiss Alps) but otherwise drinking out of public water sources is for gypsies and children whose parents have already deemed them sterile or homosexual so that there is no worry about tainting the family bloodline. MTV Network’s water fountain is no...
2 tags
2010 Poland Spring 16.9oz Plastic Bottle (approx....
I’d like to preface by saying that Poland Spring is a subsidiary of the Nestle Corporation and so it’s important to recognize that this is mass produced water that is created intentionally bland so that it could suffice for the general ignorant public (aka poor people). Even the most amateur water consumer can note the immediate plastic aftertaste and matching bouquet. After letting...