athlade Sport Water 360 591mL ($1.79)
I started going to the gym again recently and decided what better time than now to review a water geared for athletes. Although it is a foolish idea that water needs to be specially marketed toward various specific demographics, I need not negate such waters from the scrutiny of my expertise. The public has a right to know, and perhaps one such water will nonetheless be of the fine quality that deserves respect.
The idea here is that the water has electrolytes infused in it. While I am a purist, such an addition should ideally cause no change in taste and will therefore be classified as more of a “synthetic mineral water” rather than a “sports beverage.” The distinction should be clear to anyone with basic working knowledge of hydrology and fluid dynamics.
The scent is that of mold. While it is difficult to specify, after taking a sip the taste becomes much more manageable. There is a distinct hint of shower mildew with a subtle aftertaste of seaweed. Although seaweed is salty, and salt is in itself an electrolyte, there is no excuse for the taste to be affected as such.
Although I have many more nights on the vibrating belt machine and in the sauna to go before I could proudly call my self an athlete, I have a plethora of experience at this moment to call myself a water connoisseur and this brand is not one that deserves my mark of approval.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include boiling a frog to see if it will jump out to avoid its own death, soaking clothes in order to freeze and shatter them, and leaving alone to allow life to grow with time from trace (or not so trace) bacteria.
Hurricanes and Bottled Water: Conspiracy
The supermarkets are packed to capacity as the masses prepare for a hurricane here in the Northeast. Relatively uncommon in this part of the world, the public has been instructed to over-prepare rather than suffer the consequences of doing too little. It is of course still impossible to tell with utmost certainty what mother nature has in store for New York City this Sunday.
Perhaps this hurricane will be one for the history books? Perhaps it will be nothing more than a stormy night unlike so many. The position of some is that hurricanes are nothing more than a conspiracy by the top 5 bottled water corporations of the world- Evian (Dadone Group), Aquafina (PepsiCo, Inc.), Perrier (Nestle S.A.), Dasani (Coca-Cola Company), and Volvic (AMI Imports).
This is not to claim that ALL hurricanes are myths and fear-mongering misinformation intended to panic the public into a water buying frenzy, but quite a many hurricanes are indeed collusion between the water bottling elite.
According to some statistics, four out of every five hurricane warnings occur after an unprofitable financial quarter for one of these five companies. As a means of recouping some of their losses, a company may set off a propaganda machine who’s purpose is to socially engineer the public mindset into a panicked and thirsty one.
The data behind this is difficult to attain. Once a hurricane does not actually occur, the companies may create false reports around the world as if there was indeed a hurricane. They have the financial means to rewrite history, alter newspaper headlines, and even falsify photographic evidence showing bright and sunny weather. The end goal is to be able to do it again. And again, and again.
My goal is not to convince the public to buy less water or rely on the tap system. Nor is my goal to elicit class warfare among the water consuming public and the water producing elite. My objective here is merely to educate the public, and to bring these discussions to the table and allow for an fully unbiased discussion of this nations weather and water.
PurAqua Spring Water .5L Bottle ($1.65)
I am unfortunately getting quite bored of these typical bottles but will review nonetheless. You want this and you will get it. PurAqua looks like a plain water, in a plain bottle, with a plain label. The only thing that could take me out of this ennui is the remote possibility of this water actually tasting good.
While I am always hopeful, it is difficult to stay positive when such a lack of style is shown in the bottle design. Judging a book by its cover is perfectly acceptable when that cover is capable of leaking harmful toxins into the pages and then you drink those pages.
The water smells a bit tinny with a slight hint of Elmers glue. I believe this glue to be nontoxic so I am not worried about taking a sip. The taste unfortunately, is highly metallic, but not enough to cover the aftertaste -an undeniable jolt of burnt tire rubber. It truly boggles the mind when contemplating the history of this water but it is better not to think about such things lest my brain suffer the same fate as my tongue.
I will say this much -I am no longer bored now that my palate has been abused by PurAquas demonic stench-ridden water.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include splashing your limousine driver’s face to make sure he is still awake, wetting the kitchen floor to make sure your maid will able to keep her balance and subsequently clean the mess should the floor get wet otherwise, and pouring onto your ex-wife’s fresh perm.
Cumberland Farms Spring Water 710mL Bottle ($1.88)
Cumberland Farms is already on thin ice as it is not a farm but a
convenience store/gas station. They are apparently also a producer of their own brand of water. Although the brand is clearly false advertising, the fact that one would have to be at their store to buy this water should make it clear that they are not a farm.
The bottle is of a blue hue, which as noted on previous reviews also raises a flag. The blue tint is often a coverup for water so tainted that it’s very color is atypical, and this was indeed the exact case here. I honestly teared up from smelling this water and I did not cry at my own wife’s funeral. Of course these were not emotional tears but the chemically induced tears of a man poisoned by inferior water.
Like a typical soldier of water review, I marched on and went in for a taste. The putrid feelings set upon my tongue were not even the worst part. After drinking this water, one of my fillings fell out. I would normally blame shoddy craftsmanship but these had been done by the queen’s very own private dentist. The same one that has worked on David Bowie’s under-bite.
I digress however. The point is that this water was awful enough to cause physical damage to my temple of a body. As far as the taste, I will summarize it as prison wine passed through the digestive track of an elderly squirrel.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include testing windshield wipers, matting down greasy Italian hair, and wetting shirts for tie-dye if you are of that disgusting counter-culture.
Kirkland Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($3.79 for 32 case)
I must admit that I was at first only familiar with batteries made by the “Kirkland Signature” brand. This is clearly not horizontal or vertical integration but after visiting the Costco store which sells this water, I learned that nearly every product imaginable is produced by Kirkland. Although this would give them the investment necessary for a proper water processing and filtration plant, it may cloud their business structure and take focus away from creating a quality water.
It seems as though they are trying to create a “Kirkland Community” by manufacturing just about anything a consumer may need for daily life. The waters are even 
equipped with a name tag on the label so that once the world is using nothing but Kirkland products, we can differentiate our waters to avoid sharing bottles. It is quite Orwellian in nature; at this point I am rooting for a poor quality water so that I am not put into a moral conundrum, contemplating surrender to our Kirkland overlords in order to continue drinking their water.
Upon lifting the cap I wafted scents of chamomile and buckwheat honey; this is pleasant I must admit but highly unusual for what should be pure H2O with perhaps hints of mineral deposit. I went on to taste without apprehension and of course immediately realized the truth. Beneath the chamomile and honey were more subtle aftertastes of hemlock, DDT, and lizard excrete. Of course these were not strong flavors but rather subtle hints that masked by the chamomile and honey would go unnoticed by the average consumer. It goes without saying that this water is of not just poor but suspiciously sinister quality.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include flooding villages that refuse to work with corporate investors, filling man-made lakes solely for the purposes of skipping stones, and setting off a phone water damage indicator to ruin someone’s chance of warranty replacement.
Super Spring Water 3.79L Jug ($1.19)
I tried to find this water in a smaller container but there was none available. Either Super is meant for long term storage or they wish to position themselves as a ‘family brand.’ luckily, the families of the world can rest assured that the water connoisseur will use his abilities to assess their water for quality control.
Upon unscrewing the cap, I immediately picked up on traces of feet, wasabi, and bread mold. Not an ideal musk for a family water but of course scents can be deceiving. As unpleasant as it appears, I owe it to civilians of the water world to move onward, contain my constitution, and taste this already unpleasant product.
Smell is clearly a sense closely linked to taste but exceptions do occur. In this case however, the data was not counterintuitive. I have tasted many a bad water but this was a disastrous experience. My gag reflex could not be stopped once taking the first sip, upon which I immediately regurgitated all that I took in right back into the jug.
The most astounding part came after, however. I decided that I could not properly review this water without actually keeping it down and psyched myself for another go. I felt dismayed since I had tainted the sample by regurgitating back into the bottle. I took a sip nonetheless and was appalled to realize that the taste of this monstrosity was entirely unaffected by the infusion of my gastric acids. The only plausible conclusion is that this water contained gastric acids in the first place. Perhaps the Manson family was their target demographic.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include flooding gopher holes, testing newly built gutter systems, and smoothing out man made canals.
Wataah! Vapor Distilled Water 500mL Bottle ($2.00)
Wataah! is a water brand marketed towards children to be less “boring” than typical water. As an aficionado of the original, I find this bastardizing marketing gimmick to be offensive and misleading. What is being sold here is not water but cartoons and promotional elements. Only a quality product could possibly make up for the demeaning nature with which this water has been packaged and pedaled.
Once I removed the cap, I was surprised to find the bottle relatively devoid of odor aside from a hint of plastic. Upon taking a sip, however, I noticed hints of crayon, rubber, and the familiar bitterness of a crushed pill. The water looks quite clear and yet tastes as murky as dirt. There is an aftertaste similar to leaving the dentist only in a much dirtier, non-hygienic context. The producers of this filth do not expect adults to evaluate its taste, let alone an adult wielding one of the world’s most sensitive and pristine palates known to man.
This water’s branding is intended to take advantage of a child’s not yet developed brain and dulled senses, no different than plastic toys in a happy meal. The label boasts that it is “enriched” with magnesium, which comes from a plethora of sources. The particular source here is unlisted leaving much room for concern when taking the foul taste of this water into account. Children are our most valuable resource and I would be damned to allow this company to manipulate and abuse them by way of water.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Suggested alternate uses include filling bags to weight down antique hot air balloons prior to lift off, testing diapers for saturation capacity, and filling a water aerobics pool in a home for abandoned seniors.
Appalachian Trail Natural Spring Water (free)
This was a natural spring water source we stumbled upon while hiking the Appalachian trail. According to locals, it is the best tasting water they have ever had. One such local, a camp counselor in the area offered to take us to the spot and of course I could not pass up the opportunity to give their water a professional assessment.
This particular spot was not far from the Delaware water gap. The camp counselor seemed excited by my presence as a noted expert, perhaps hoping that I would bring publicity to his camp. He eagerly watched as I smelled the water stream, finding essence of hikers sweat, scorched wood, and raw duck meat. I explained that my senses are heightened from my years of training and experience and what I pick up may not be so clear to him. I cupped my hands and took a deep gulp, picking up traces of bedrock, sweat, and more raw animal meats. I noticed several filthy looking hikers on my way so I can not begin to imagine the hedonistic acts of perversion that have gone on in these “natural” springs.
The counselor looked disappointed at my facial expressions so I gently explained to him that he should cease drinking this water and be weary of leading others to it.
The Water Connoisseur gives this spring 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include soaking camera film in the development process, wetting dry camping areas to prevent forest fire, and splashing on dirty approaching hikers in disapproval of their lifestyle choice.
Deer Park Water Cooler 5gal Jug ($10 in bulk)
I visited a friend on the upper west side of Manhattan to find this water cooler residing as his primary water source. The equipment is free with sign up for delivery. This subscription costs $30/month for 3x5gallon jugs per month.
Although this is fair price for the quantity, I was appalled that my friend would make such a commitment to a water I had not yet reviewed. I expressed my concern for his well-being and insisted that I would use my professional experience to critique Deep Park and determine whether he should continue with his consumption.
After pouring a cup from the cooled nozzle, I wafted for a moment only to be defiled by the subtle undertones of roadkill and baby vomit. While I will admit these were not prominent scents but subtle hues that only a properly trained palate could detect, they are important in noting quality as well as the overall flavor.
I proceeded to have a sip and noticed traces of deer dropping, mud, and native American tears (mostly sodium). It’s a shame he had already committed to a month long delivery of this tainted water. While the heated side may kill some of the microbes involved, it is heated sub boiling level so many contaminants will remain.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include pouring onto hot sauna stones, drowning pets that you regret buying, and making homemade personal lubricant by mixing with vegetable glycerin and xanthan gum.
NYC Water Mobile Fountain (free)
While walking the streets of New York City I stumbled upon this contraption set up in Times Square. It appears to be some sort of bathtub rigged with water fountain faucets and hoisted onto a wheel-able base. Hosed directly into the city’s water line, this is probably one of the purest samples of New York’s tap water without the added factors of a particular building’s piping.
The system is equipped for 6 users at once and includes an additional spout to wash away any waste. This is a necessary feature considering the vagabonds and masses
of the underclass with access to this public service. I must say, the water pressure is sufficient but the hygienic element still disturbs me. Even with an additional cleansing spout, the image of an underweight homeless man using this as his personal homeless whirlpool tub is difficult to ignore.
Upon tasting the water, I recognized hints of auto exhaust, belly button lint, and McDonald’s special sauce. At this point one can only guess what sort of history this mobile fountain has but at the least we can excuse the auto exhaust as poor product placement. Nonetheless, this water is less than appetizing and the incredibly communal nature leaves it vulnerable to a plethora of contaminants. While I may review other New York City tap sources in the future, this is the purest sample accessible and thus the most reliable grade.
The Water Connoisseur gives this tap 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include spraying in the street during urban block parties, splashing onto a child’s crotch and laughing at him/her for urinating, and blotting out minor clothing stains.
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