Crystal Geyser Alpine Spring 500mL Bottle ($0.99)
Crystal Geyser talks a lot of talk for a water in a plastic bottle. They claim to be bottled at the source of a spring to “ensure quality, taste, and freshness. I do not understand how these factors can be ensured when the entire operation is compromised by the plastic water bottle. This packaging seems to be a common “bottle-neck” for water quality.*
The water was relatively clear but the scent had a vague musk of old jigsaw puzzle cardboard. This is not a particularly harmful odor so I immediately went in for the sip and was caught off guard. There are indeed hints of cardboard but with an addition aftertaste of under-cooked bacon and a slight suggestion of iron.
Although the plastic bottle is the only obvious indiscretion, a a bacon and iron hue would not result from this. Either the bottling operation is contaminated with foreign agents or the spring itself has been compromised. This is a particularly alarming situation as it would effect the entire ecosystem of New Hampshire, but I digress. My specialty is simply in water and this sample is grotesquely sub-par.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5. This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include pouring into a gas tank to sabotage an enemy’s car, soaking a monkey’s fur before shaving it in order to claim it as a “freak-man” at a circus show, and weighing down the base of a driveway basketball post.
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