penta Ultra-Purified Water 500 mL Bottle ($1.99)
Penta Water is labeled as ‘Ultra-Purified,’ and is followed by a long list of contaminants that this water is ‘free of’ -including Chlorine and Arsenic.
When I exit the bathroom of the Natural History Museum I do not proceed to tell everyone in the hall that I did NOT just pleasure myself in the handicapped stall. What I mean is, either penta has a guilty conscience and this water contains arsenic, or this bottle should have an infinitely longer list of all the various elements that it ‘does not contain.’ This is a bottled water, not some leaky tap inside an Armenian medical facility.
It is a good thing I keep this review blog, not just for my readers but for a public record of the dangerous activities I partake in. Should I be poisoned via arsenic ingestion, the culprit has been preemptively ousted on the blogosphere.
Penta boasts a “13-step state-of-the-art system” used for its water purification. It sounds like a plethora of technology has been employed in their processing and I am afraid to say it has worked to the water’s detriment. Upon sniffing the bottle’s contents, I notice trace hints of silicone, epoxy resin, and copper; it smells like an overheated motherboard. Perhaps the machinery used to purify this water has in itself contaminated it. This water is the SkyNet of waters.
The taste of copper is all the more apparent. I close my eyes and am unsure of whether I am drinking water or fellating Johnny 5. Rather than immediately destroy us, this ‘SkyNet Water’ has chosen to contaminate our bodies as well as our spirits. Make note penta, this will not prevail if I am able to sufficiently spread the word.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate suggested uses include filling realistic children’s dolls that drink and pee, spraying onto 70s era Japanese automobiles to test for rust susceptibility, and pouring onto dirt to make mud.
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