Eternal New Zealand Artesian Water 1L Bottle ($1.99)
Eternal Water is a brand of smoke and mirrors, designed to give the illusion of high quality water. Perhaps the New Zealand public is easily fooled or perhaps my powers of observation are above the average drinker, but it is apparent to me that this is a substandard product.
A clever bottle shape allows an otherwise narrow label to
magnify, filling the back of this bottle. While quite the marketing gimmick, it feels like drinking from a bowling pin fished out of a dirty river. As noted to the left, this water goes through quite the geological journey that oddly enough results in smelling like rotted vegan cookies. In addition to having a basic pH of 8.0, this water contains a plethora of various elements. This is claimed as a “typical” analysis which begs the question of how often a bottle deviates from the norm.
Assuming this one does not, these elements result in an extremely foul concoction. I prepared a spit bucket before drinking although I told myself I would not use it so that a proper review could be made. This was not an easy feat. This water tastes like a a used diaper from a baby that has been eating nothing but chalk and matzo-balls. The quality of their water alone should be enough to make those Kiwis regret seceding from the commonwealth.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption but alternate suggested uses are splashing on your face to fake tears to manipulate juries and/or loved ones, soaking leather for Kentucky Derby horsewhip manufacturing, and pre-testing colostomy bag durability.
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