The Water Connoisseur

The Water Connoisseur is an Oxford graduate with a double concentration in hydrology and fluid dynamics. I live, breathe, eat, and drink water. This blog is my review of various bottled and freshwater sources; I have a trained palate capable of recognizing the subtle nuances that each source of water encompasses and have decided to share my abilities with the world. You are welcome, and please enjoy.

Created by @HardcoreBoris

Member’s Mark Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($3.29 for 32)

This is an immediately deceiving and offensive bottle of water. The ‘Member’s Mark’ brand implies some sort of elite stature, such as ‘Maker’s Mark’ or ‘Member’s Only’ and yet this bottle is the most generic, low budget packaging one could find. I have pledged to review all brands, however, and am hopeful that perhaps the quality is not reflected in the packaging. Perhaps this water is a diamond in the rough.

This bottle was supplied to me by a reader and purchased at Sam’s Club. A wise move on the reader’s behalf; I would encourage anyone who comes across a brand I have yet to review to send me a sample. My palate is far more sensitive to offenses of taste as well as potentially harmful materials than the average consumer - a combination of genetic predisposition as well as years of training and experience.

Lifting the cap, I am disappointed to smell traces of rubbing alcohol and WD-40. Perhaps used in the factory that bottles this water, traces of residue have remained. While this is not a promising bouquet, I shall nonetheless proceed. Upon my first sip, the scent of WD-40 becomes stronger and I taste significant oily residue along with an unpleasant saltiness. The label lists salt as an ingredient but claims this “adds a negligible amount of sodium.” I beg to differ. This water reminds me of my time in the war, being forced to eat month old Tilapia preserved with nothing but the salts from our own bodies. I do not wish to imagine those days any further than I wish to imagine the “member” that marked this water.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption but alternate uses include an aquatic puzzle piece in an OK Go music video, cooling hotel sidewalks during scorching summer hear, and detecting approaching dinosaurs via vibrations in the water’s meniscus.

Tagged: member's markbottle1 Crystal Goblet

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