The Water Connoisseur


The Water Connoisseur is an Oxford graduate with a double concentration in hydrology and fluid dynamics. I live, breathe, eat, and drink water. This blog is my review of various bottled and freshwater sources; I have a trained palate capable of recognizing the subtle nuances that each source of water encompasses and have decided to share my abilities with the world. You are welcome, and please enjoy.




Created by @HardcoreBoris

Kirkland Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($3.79 for 32 case)

I must admit that I was at first only familiar with batteries made by the “Kirkland Signature” brand. This is clearly not horizontal or vertical integration but after visiting the Costco store which sells this water, I learned that nearly every product imaginable is produced by Kirkland. Although this would give them the investment necessary for a proper water processing and filtration plant, it may cloud their business structure and take focus away from creating a quality water.

It seems as though they are trying to create a “Kirkland Community” by manufacturing just about anything a consumer may need for daily life. The waters are even equipped with a name tag on the label so that once the world is using nothing but Kirkland products, we can differentiate our waters to avoid sharing bottles. It is quite Orwellian in nature; at this point I am rooting for a poor quality water so that I am not put into a moral conundrum, contemplating surrender to our Kirkland overlords in order to continue drinking their water.

Upon lifting the cap I wafted scents of chamomile and buckwheat honey; this is pleasant I must admit but highly unusual for what should be pure H2O with perhaps hints of mineral deposit. I went on to taste without apprehension and of course immediately realized the truth. Beneath the chamomile and honey were more subtle aftertastes of hemlock, DDT, and lizard excrete. Of course these were not strong flavors but rather subtle hints that masked by the chamomile and honey would go unnoticed by the average consumer. It goes without saying that this water is of not just poor but suspiciously sinister quality.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include flooding villages that refuse to work with corporate investors, filling man-made lakes solely for the purposes of skipping stones, and setting off a phone water damage indicator to ruin someone’s chance of warranty replacement.

Tagged: Kirklandcostcobottleorwellian.5 Crystal Goblets

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