The Water Connoisseur

The Water Connoisseur is an Oxford graduate with a double concentration in hydrology and fluid dynamics. I live, breathe, eat, and drink water. This blog is my review of various bottled and freshwater sources; I have a trained palate capable of recognizing the subtle nuances that each source of water encompasses and have decided to share my abilities with the world. You are welcome, and please enjoy.

Created by @HardcoreBoris

Rite Aid Pantry Crystal Lake Spring Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)

They days of a water connoisseur are long and arduous. I do not wish
to burden my audience with the woes of my efforts, but it takes a
pristine mental state in order to properly assess the taste of water
without mood and personal gripes swaying the analysis from an
objective one. Sharing my current ennui allows these feelings to purge
so that I may continue in a professional manner.

Once again on a trip to New Jersey, I stopped by the Rite Aid pharmacy
to purchase a comb for my beard and mustache. These hairs, despite
their elegant presence, must be carefully monitored and groomed lest
they contaminate the water as I drink it. At the Rite Aid I happened
to stumble upon their own brand fo water in the midst of others I am
more familiar with.

After purchasing the mustache comb and brushing all rogue hairs to
their rightful position, I lifted the cap to find a light stench of
seaweed and muskrat. The label specifically states “Sodium Free” so this is already disconcerting. I wafted a bit more before taking a sip and
finally tasting what can only be described as a mix of animal
parts soaked in seawater. This is of course subtle to me and often
undetectable to the average consumer, but it most definitely is a
health concern as well as a violation of FDA standards if not properly

 The Rite Aid employee could confirm nothing when confronted. I do not blame him, of course; he is but a cog in the Rite Aid tainted water machine. Needless to say, this atrocity of a water was properly named after the lake in which the horrors of the “Friday the 13th” movies took place. 

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate uses include softening produce waste stuck inside a garbage disposal, putting inside a glass and covering a bad waiters tip upside down with said glass so that water is spilled when the glass is lifted, and wetting the anal cavity in order to create a seal and produce voluminous as opposed to silent flatulence.

Tagged: rite aidpantrycrystal lakebottle1 Crystal Goblet

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