The Water Connoisseur

deLish Artesian Water 1L Bottle ($1.99)

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 19:03:56 -0500

The face of the large clear bottle deLish comes in boasts two selling points: a naturally balanced 7.6pH and 0% Iron. This water contains 0% of literally an infinite amount of ingredients so a special “shout out” to iron suggests a guilty conscience. How little iron is allowed to exist in order to be rounded to 0%?

Lifting the cap I immediately recognize trace scents of hospital
hallway. I recently visited a friend getting surgery at NYU
Presbyterian, so rest assured this smell is fresh in my mind and
unmistakable.

The first sip provided me with all necessary information. It seems my tongue is more finely calibrated than deLish’s lab equipment because I distinctly recognize at least .026-.031% iron. This is of course a non-lethal amount and does not negatively effect the taste. The aftertaste, however, is absolutely putrid. “Flavors” range from gutter residue to a bus floor. The iron content is not this water’s downfall but it is a key indicator in the companies flawed organization and quality control.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Recommended
alternative uses include attempting to dissolve a “rat king,” skipping
stones (as their packaging properly suggests), and disrespecting a
national flag via super soaker.

Activate Deionized Water 20oz Bottle ($2.67)

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 12:37:27 -0500

Activate appears to be a promising brand aside from their use of a
cheaper plastic bottle. Any water claiming to be of superior quality
should be contained in glass, crystal, or bone. I do respect their
simple label design, however; the bottle is covered and yet has a
clear window from which to visually inspect the contents. All looks
clear, so let us hope other senses continue to satisfy.

Activate states that nutrients deteriorate sitting in water, so they do not add any. In fact, they remove all nutrients and impurities through a deionization and reverse osmosis process. Although I am well
versed in the technical aspects of these mechanisms, the average reader need only be concerned with results. Unfortunately, after
smelling the water, it seems the results are sharp scents of stale bread and workout clothes.

I am of course quite disappointed; my hopes were high for a water with
such a well articulated mission statement. The taste followed through
with a similar letdown. A soft aftertaste of mildew with dabs of
rotting yeast. I must assume there is a series of flaws in the
manufacturers technical process.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include cooling down hand blown glasswares, circulating through a “urinating Cupid” water fountain, and concocting artificial sweat for cybernetic organisms.

Arctic Sol 739mL Bottle ($1.99)

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:08:23 -0500

I purchased this water at a rest stop somewhere along I-95 in Virginia. I’d been eating sunflower seeds throughout a road trip and ran out of the water I had brought along faster than anticipated.

The bottle, despite being of inferior plastic material, is pleasantly clear and large. Were there any visual imperfections in the water, spotting them would be rather simple. Many contaminants are colorless, however; a test for odor must follow. The musk this bottle emanated was strongly reminiscent of old chicken skin.

I asked the cashier to take a waft in order to confirm but she insisted it was outside of her professional responsibility. I personally believe familiarity with the product to be the duty of any water purveyor but I did not wish to challenge her threat of legal ramifications.

Perhaps the real reason she resisted though was her knowledge of the water’s quality, or lack thereof. I took a gulp after she resisted the bottle, and noticed distinct after-tastes of salt and rust. The water was curiously smoky tasting despite its transparent appearance. I resisted gagging as I was indoors but had I been in the privacy of my own home, I would have allowed myself to dry heave until whatever I had just consumed left my body.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include liquid density testing for Cuban refugee boat building materials, mixing with solid waste in order to soften it for the sink’s garbage disposal, and cement mix.

Aquarius Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($2.16)

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 17:06:00 -0500

While eating at a Five Guys hamburger chain I had noticed a particular brand of water I was not familiar with. $2.16 is far below my price threshold for water, but the quality should be consistent. The shoddy plastic bottle and retro label made the price seem excessive but I assume this is to offset the cost of unlimited free peanuts.

I lifted the cap and smelled distinct hues of ethanol and dried pork. These are of course incredibly subtle if not unnoticeable to the untrained consumer; to a professional, however, they are distastefully aromatic.

I proceeded to quaff the water despite its scent and undoubtedly, the taste was tragically similar. A nauseating mix of salt and free radicals. After some research, I had learned that Aquarius is a Brazilian subsidiary of the Coca-Cola owned Dasani. A hierarchy of command is unraveled as we travel further down the water bottle industry’s rabbit hole.

Despite the re-bottling and brand masking afoot, this water fails to pass my stringent standards.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include wetting a ladies sleeping bag so that she has no choice but to snuggle up in yours, warping your imbecile cousin’s records so that he grows up and finds a real career, and soaking a shirt in order to freeze it.

Simplify Water 500mL Bottle ($2.79/24pk)

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:58:26 -0500

A friend of mine had recently invested in a 24pack of Simplify Water bottles at a local Rite Aid. They were discounted for a few weeks and of course the average consumer does not consider the degradation in quality that is often associated with frugal water shopping.

Steven, my thrifty friend, offered myself and other guests at his soiree a bottle. I explained to him that this water is clearly beneath my standards but that I would review it as long as he would consider discarding the water if it is deemed unworthy.

Upon lifting the cap, I caught a subtle waft of kitty litter and nail polish remover. The factories that bottle these things often go through various products and of course the more shoddy plants do a poor job of decontamination. I took a sip nonetheless and was not surprised when the taste left my tongue in a sad state of disarray. I apologized after gagging amongst company and explained that my palate is simply more sensitive than the lay man consumer. My recent hospitalization story was certainly evidence enough.

Per our agreement, I drained the remainder of the 24pack into the sink and told everyone they were welcome to my services. I would say the Water Connoisseur was once again the life of a party.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include humidifying your guest house, testing gutter systems, and soaking rags used to cool feverish gypsies.

The Water Connoisseur is Back With a Review of NY2O Water 591mL Bottle ($3.89)

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 09:30:05 -0500

I have been away from my duties for 3 full months and it is with no levity that I take such a hiatus. Never would I, by my own accord, deprive the endearing public of the vital information this blog provides.

It is with my first review back that I shall explain the circumstances under which I have left this void in the blogosphere.

NY2O water was my review of choice 3 months ago after I had seen a bottle at a popular New York gift shop. I was in a rush so I placed it in my top frame briefcase, proceeded to hale a yellow-cab, and decided to review the bottle on my ride across town. I wish I could describe the scent upon lifting the cap, but it is difficult for me to do so because of a limited recollection as well as severe emotional discomfort. As was explained to me much later on, I carefully wafted the contents of the bottle and immediately fell into a deep coma.

My palate has been trained to such a heightened sensitivity that the toxins within this water made my brain shut off as a defense mechanism, preventing me from harming my own body with any further intake.

Lacking any immediate family here in the states, I awoke alone at Beth Israel medical center- only my familiar briefcase within my eye line. I opened it up for clues and found my laptop as well as the NY2O bottle. Never running from my duties, it was by pure visceral instinct that I opened the bottle and prepared to write a review. I took a sip of the water and immediately fell into a second coma, this time for two full months.

So now you understand that it was by no personal choice, and merely from the very dedication to my duty, that I have been absent for such an inexcusable duration. I beg the forgiveness of my readers, but this is one review I must delve into no further. I have no choice but to rate this water based on technicality.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include drowning subway rats, ash tray filler, and as a general instrument of death in the Obamacare mandatory euthenization plan.

Sonic Wave Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($1.49)

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 17:47:00 -0400

On a trip with a few friends, I stopped by Sonic Drive-In as I had never been there before. For those unfamiliar, it is a throwback to the drive in restaurants of the 60s where burgers and shakes are skated over to your car by the employees. In today’s modern times, the skaters are no longer buxom ladies however. Ideally, the position is open to all but it was mostly aggressive teenage boys in hockey skates.

I am all for equality but rigorous physical activity and hospitality do not go hand in hand in hormone filled teenage boys let alone anyone. These young men were too busy showing off their skating moves and insulting the McDonalds employees across the street for having to work “on foot” to properly tend to their own customers. I patiently waiter, however, and finally received my water.

Sonic Wave water is the mad men of waters. I am referring of course not to the show Mad Men, but to the “mad man” characters that the show is about. They are aesthetically pleasing as is this bottle design. The graphic design is a subtle throwback to the visuals of the time. The function of these men, however, was often compromised by their various vices and indiscretions and this water is no different.

The bottle is still plastic and a bluish tint at that, which I have often mentioned as being a tool to mask oddly hued water. After removing the cap I smelled a subtle aroma of squid ink along with a tinge of hair gel. I’d be surprised to find that Sonic even offers a squid ink item on their menu so I will assume the contaminant entered early in the bottling process. After taking a sip, the ink took a more backseat tone with the hair gel becoming much more prominent on the palate. The feeling is quite disturbing albeit somewhat preferable to what I imagine a deeper squid ink taste would bring but most likely less natural and less safe for my biology.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include testing water safety gear for flotation, cooling 60s era water-cooled muscle car engines, and for throwing back at the rollerblading server as an adaptation of the popular “fire in the hole” drive through prank game.

Crystal Geyser Alpine Spring 500mL Bottle ($0.99)

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 18:30:32 -0400

Crystal Geyser talks a lot of talk for a water in a plastic bottle. They claim to be bottled at the source of a spring to “ensure quality, taste, and freshness. I do not understand how these factors can be ensured when the entire operation is compromised by the plastic water bottle. This packaging seems to be a common “bottle-neck” for water quality.*

The water was relatively clear but the scent had a vague musk of old jigsaw puzzle cardboard. This is not a particularly harmful odor so I immediately went in for the sip and was caught off guard. There are indeed hints of cardboard but with an addition aftertaste of under-cooked bacon and a slight suggestion of iron.

Although the plastic bottle is the only obvious indiscretion, a a bacon and iron hue would not result from this. Either the bottling operation is contaminated with foreign agents or the spring itself has been compromised. This is a particularly alarming situation as it would effect the entire ecosystem of New Hampshire, but I digress. My specialty is simply in water and this sample is grotesquely sub-par.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include pouring into a gas tank to sabotage an enemy’s car, soaking a monkey’s fur before shaving it in order to claim it as a “freak-man” at a circus show, and weighing down the base of a driveway basketball post.

*Pun Intended

Evamor Natural Artesian Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 20:09:00 -0400

Evamor is is a natural artesian water marketed as a rare alkaline source. Despite the water indeed being basic at a ph of 8.8, I would be hesitant before describing this as rare.

Although the bottle is not glass, they seem to exude some confidence in their product considering the clarity of the plastic and the diameter of the pouring spout. The water does indeed appear clear but the smell is unfortunately a detour from this pleasantry. I was not ready to waft due to the large spout that released odors at an exasperating rate.

Despite my quick reflexes, I did not pull my nostrils away before I was infiltrated with the fumes of cotton-balls and hamburger. This may seem like a pleasant odor to some despite its inappropriateness in context, but I can assure you it is not. Of course the subtly of it will allow the lay man consumer to possibly drink without notice but the harm done to their body will not be worth their ignorance.

I proceeded to take a sip, all the while still having to smell the stenches rising from the giant spout, uncover-able by my manly, yet moderately sized mouth -my whiskers soaking in the concoction like an unholy soup. The taste is reminiscent of meat floating in a tub of milk. Like garlic to vampires, this concoction is appropriately avoided by the Jews in this instance. Imagine this mix being left in the desert sun for a week or two and that is the taste that my highly sensitive palate picks up from this water. Unpleasant to say the least.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include wetting sandbox sand for easier pliability, spraying mist for rainy video filming effects, and hosing fraternity pledges early in the morning as a wake up call, physically but usually not metaphorically.

Rite Aid Pantry Crystal Lake Spring Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 19:49:35 -0400

They days of a water connoisseur are long and arduous. I do not wish
to burden my audience with the woes of my efforts, but it takes a
pristine mental state in order to properly assess the taste of water
without mood and personal gripes swaying the analysis from an
objective one. Sharing my current ennui allows these feelings to purge
so that I may continue in a professional manner.

Once again on a trip to New Jersey, I stopped by the Rite Aid pharmacy
to purchase a comb for my beard and mustache. These hairs, despite
their elegant presence, must be carefully monitored and groomed lest
they contaminate the water as I drink it. At the Rite Aid I happened
to stumble upon their own brand fo water in the midst of others I am
more familiar with.

After purchasing the mustache comb and brushing all rogue hairs to
their rightful position, I lifted the cap to find a light stench of
seaweed and muskrat. The label specifically states “Sodium Free” so this is already disconcerting. I wafted a bit more before taking a sip and
finally tasting what can only be described as a mix of animal
parts soaked in seawater. This is of course subtle to me and often
undetectable to the average consumer, but it most definitely is a
health concern as well as a violation of FDA standards if not properly
disclosed.

The Rite Aid employee could confirm nothing when confronted. I do not blame him, of course; he is but a cog in the Rite Aid tainted water machine. Needless to say, this atrocity of a water was properly named after the lake in which the horrors of the “Friday the 13th” movies took place.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate uses include softening produce waste stuck inside a garbage disposal, putting inside a glass and covering a bad waiters tip upside down with said glass so that water is spilled when the glass is lifted, and wetting the anal cavity in order to create a seal and produce voluminous as opposed to silent flatulence.

athlade Sport Water 360 591mL ($1.79)

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 23:29:00 -0400

I started going to the gym again recently and decided what better time than now to review a water geared for athletes. Although it is a foolish idea that water needs to be specially marketed toward various specific demographics, I need not negate such waters from the scrutiny of my expertise. The public has a right to know, and perhaps one such water will nonetheless be of the fine quality that deserves respect.

The idea here is that the water has electrolytes infused in it. While I am a purist, such an addition should ideally cause no change in taste and will therefore be classified as more of a “synthetic mineral water” rather than a “sports beverage.” The distinction should be clear to anyone with basic working knowledge of hydrology and fluid dynamics.

The scent is that of mold. While it is difficult to specify, after taking a sip the taste becomes much more manageable. There is a distinct hint of shower mildew with a subtle aftertaste of seaweed. Although seaweed is salty, and salt is in itself an electrolyte, there is no excuse for the taste to be affected as such.

Although I have many more nights on the vibrating belt machine and in the sauna to go before I could proudly call my self an athlete, I have a plethora of experience at this moment to call myself a water connoisseur and this brand is not one that deserves my mark of approval.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include boiling a frog to see if it will jump out to avoid its own death, soaking clothes in order to freeze and shatter them, and leaving alone to allow life to grow with time from trace (or not so trace) bacteria.

Hurricanes and Bottled Water: Conspiracy

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 15:08:00 -0400

The supermarkets are packed to capacity as the masses prepare for a hurricane here in the Northeast. Relatively uncommon in this part of the world, the public has been instructed to over-prepare rather than suffer the consequences of doing too little. It is of course still impossible to tell with utmost certainty what mother nature has in store for New York City this Sunday.

Perhaps this hurricane will be one for the history books? Perhaps it will be nothing more than a stormy night unlike so many. The position of some is that hurricanes are nothing more than a conspiracy by the top 5 bottled water corporations of the world- Evian (Dadone Group), Aquafina (PepsiCo, Inc.), Perrier (Nestle S.A.), Dasani (Coca-Cola Company), and Volvic (AMI Imports).

This is not to claim that ALL hurricanes are myths and fear-mongering misinformation intended to panic the public into a water buying frenzy, but quite a many hurricanes are indeed collusion between the water bottling elite.

According to some statistics, four out of every five hurricane warnings occur after an unprofitable financial quarter for one of these five companies. As a means of recouping some of their losses, a company may set off a propaganda machine who’s purpose is to socially engineer the public mindset into a panicked and thirsty one.

The data behind this is difficult to attain. Once a hurricane does not actually occur, the companies may create false reports around the world as if there was indeed a hurricane. They have the financial means to rewrite history, alter newspaper headlines, and even falsify photographic evidence showing bright and sunny weather. The end goal is to be able to do it again. And again, and again.

My goal is not to convince the public to buy less water or rely on the tap system. Nor is my goal to elicit class warfare among the water consuming public and the water producing elite. My objective here is merely to educate the public, and to bring these discussions to the table and allow for an fully unbiased discussion of this nations weather and water.

PurAqua Spring Water .5L Bottle ($1.65)

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 17:39:00 -0400

I am unfortunately getting quite bored of these typical bottles but will review nonetheless. You want this and you will get it. PurAqua looks like a plain water, in a plain bottle, with a plain label. The only thing that could take me out of this ennui is the remote possibility of this water actually tasting good.

While I am always hopeful, it is difficult to stay positive when such a lack of style is shown in the bottle design. Judging a book by its cover is perfectly acceptable when that cover is capable of leaking harmful toxins into the pages and then you drink those pages.

The water smells a bit tinny with a slight hint of Elmers glue. I believe this glue to be nontoxic so I am not worried about taking a sip. The taste unfortunately, is highly metallic, but not enough to cover the aftertaste -an undeniable jolt of burnt tire rubber. It truly boggles the mind when contemplating the history of this water but it is better not to think about such things lest my brain suffer the same fate as my tongue.

I will say this much -I am no longer bored now that my palate has been abused by PurAquas demonic stench-ridden water.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include splashing your limousine driver’s face to make sure he is still awake, wetting the kitchen floor to make sure your maid will able to keep her balance and subsequently clean the mess should the floor get wet otherwise, and pouring onto your ex-wife’s fresh perm.

Cumberland Farms Spring Water 710mL Bottle ($1.88)

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 17:16:00 -0400

Cumberland Farms is already on thin ice as it is not a farm but a
convenience store/gas station. They are apparently also a producer of their own brand of water. Although the brand is clearly false advertising, the fact that one would have to be at their store to buy this water should make it clear that they are not a farm.

The bottle is of a blue hue, which as noted on previous reviews also raises a flag. The blue tint is often a coverup for water so tainted that it’s very color is atypical, and this was indeed the exact case here. I honestly teared up from smelling this water and I did not cry at my own wife’s funeral. Of course these were not emotional tears but the chemically induced tears of a man poisoned by inferior water.

Like a typical soldier of water review, I marched on and went in for a taste. The putrid feelings set upon my tongue were not even the worst part. After drinking this water, one of my fillings fell out. I would normally blame shoddy craftsmanship but these had been done by the queen’s very own private dentist. The same one that has worked on David Bowie’s under-bite.

I digress however. The point is that this water was awful enough to cause physical damage to my temple of a body. As far as the taste, I will summarize it as prison wine passed through the digestive track of an elderly squirrel.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include testing windshield wipers, matting down greasy Italian hair, and wetting shirts for tie-dye if you are of that disgusting counter-culture.

Kirkland Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($3.79 for 32 case)

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 21:00:21 -0400

I must admit that I was at first only familiar with batteries made by the “Kirkland Signature” brand. This is clearly not horizontal or vertical integration but after visiting the Costco store which sells this water, I learned that nearly every product imaginable is produced by Kirkland. Although this would give them the investment necessary for a proper water processing and filtration plant, it may cloud their business structure and take focus away from creating a quality water.

It seems as though they are trying to create a “Kirkland Community” by manufacturing just about anything a consumer may need for daily life. The waters are even equipped with a name tag on the label so that once the world is using nothing but Kirkland products, we can differentiate our waters to avoid sharing bottles. It is quite Orwellian in nature; at this point I am rooting for a poor quality water so that I am not put into a moral conundrum, contemplating surrender to our Kirkland overlords in order to continue drinking their water.

Upon lifting the cap I wafted scents of chamomile and buckwheat honey; this is pleasant I must admit but highly unusual for what should be pure H2O with perhaps hints of mineral deposit. I went on to taste without apprehension and of course immediately realized the truth. Beneath the chamomile and honey were more subtle aftertastes of hemlock, DDT, and lizard excrete. Of course these were not strong flavors but rather subtle hints that masked by the chamomile and honey would go unnoticed by the average consumer. It goes without saying that this water is of not just poor but suspiciously sinister quality.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include flooding villages that refuse to work with corporate investors, filling man-made lakes solely for the purposes of skipping stones, and setting off a phone water damage indicator to ruin someone’s chance of warranty replacement.

Super Spring Water 3.79L Jug ($1.19)

Thu, 04 Aug 2011 00:19:00 -0400

I tried to find this water in a smaller container but there was none available. Either Super is meant for long term storage or they wish to position themselves as a ‘family brand.’ luckily, the families of the world can rest assured that the water connoisseur will use his abilities to assess their water for quality control.
Upon unscrewing the cap, I immediately picked up on traces of feet, wasabi, and bread mold. Not an ideal musk for a family water but of course scents can be deceiving. As unpleasant as it appears, I owe it to civilians of the water world to move onward, contain my constitution, and taste this already unpleasant product.
Smell is clearly a sense closely linked to taste but exceptions do occur. In this case however, the data was not counterintuitive. I have tasted many a bad water but this was a disastrous experience. My gag reflex could not be stopped once taking the first sip, upon which I immediately regurgitated all that I took in right back into the jug.
The most astounding part came after, however. I decided that I could not properly review this water without actually keeping it down and psyched myself for another go. I felt dismayed since I had tainted the sample by regurgitating back into the bottle. I took a sip nonetheless and was appalled to realize that the taste of this monstrosity was entirely unaffected by the infusion of my gastric acids. The only plausible conclusion is that this water contained gastric acids in the first place. Perhaps the Manson family was their target demographic.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include flooding gopher holes, testing newly built gutter systems, and smoothing out man made canals.

Wataah! Vapor Distilled Water 500mL Bottle ($2.00)

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 17:00:00 -0400

Wataah! is a water brand marketed towards children to be less “boring” than typical water. As an aficionado of the original, I find this bastardizing marketing gimmick to be offensive and misleading. What is being sold here is not water but cartoons and promotional elements. Only a quality product could possibly make up for the demeaning nature with which this water has been packaged and pedaled.

Once I removed the cap, I was surprised to find the bottle relatively devoid of odor aside from a hint of plastic. Upon taking a sip, however, I noticed hints of crayon, rubber, and the familiar bitterness of a crushed pill. The water looks quite clear and yet tastes as murky as dirt. There is an aftertaste similar to leaving the dentist only in a much dirtier, non-hygienic context. The producers of this filth do not expect adults to evaluate its taste, let alone an adult wielding one of the world’s most sensitive and pristine palates known to man.

This water’s branding is intended to take advantage of a child’s not yet developed brain and dulled senses, no different than plastic toys in a happy meal. The label boasts that it is “enriched” with magnesium, which comes from a plethora of sources. The particular source here is unlisted leaving much room for concern when taking the foul taste of this water into account. Children are our most valuable resource and I would be damned to allow this company to manipulate and abuse them by way of water.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Suggested alternate uses include filling bags to weight down antique hot air balloons prior to lift off, testing diapers for saturation capacity, and filling a water aerobics pool in a home for abandoned seniors.

Appalachian Trail Natural Spring Water (free)

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 17:46:00 -0400

This was a natural spring water source we stumbled upon while hiking the Appalachian trail. According to locals, it is the best tasting water they have ever had. One such local, a camp counselor in the area offered to take us to the spot and of course I could not pass up the opportunity to give their water a professional assessment.

This particular spot was not far from the Delaware water gap. The camp counselor seemed excited by my presence as a noted expert, perhaps hoping that I would bring publicity to his camp. He eagerly watched as I smelled the water stream, finding essence of hikers sweat, scorched wood, and raw duck meat. I explained that my senses are heightened from my years of training and experience and what I pick up may not be so clear to him. I cupped my hands and took a deep gulp, picking up traces of bedrock, sweat, and more raw animal meats. I noticed several filthy looking hikers on my way so I can not begin to imagine the hedonistic acts of perversion that have gone on in these “natural” springs.

The counselor looked disappointed at my facial expressions so I gently explained to him that he should cease drinking this water and be weary of leading others to it.

The Water Connoisseur gives this spring 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include soaking camera film in the development process, wetting dry camping areas to prevent forest fire, and splashing on dirty approaching hikers in disapproval of their lifestyle choice.

Deer Park Water Cooler 5gal Jug ($10 in bulk)

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 16:46:00 -0400

I visited a friend on the upper west side of Manhattan to find this water cooler residing as his primary water source. The equipment is free with sign up for delivery. This subscription costs $30/month for 3x5gallon jugs per month.

Although this is fair price for the quantity, I was appalled that my friend would make such a commitment to a water I had not yet reviewed. I expressed my concern for his well-being and insisted that I would use my professional experience to critique Deep Park and determine whether he should continue with his consumption.

After pouring a cup from the cooled nozzle, I wafted for a moment only to be defiled by the subtle undertones of roadkill and baby vomit. While I will admit these were not prominent scents but subtle hues that only a properly trained palate could detect, they are important in noting quality as well as the overall flavor.

I proceeded to have a sip and noticed traces of deer dropping, mud, and native American tears (mostly sodium). It’s a shame he had already committed to a month long delivery of this tainted water. While the heated side may kill some of the microbes involved, it is heated sub boiling level so many contaminants will remain.

The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include pouring onto hot sauna stones, drowning pets that you regret buying, and making homemade personal lubricant by mixing with vegetable glycerin and xanthan gum.

NYC Water Mobile Fountain (free)

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 16:53:00 -0400

While walking the streets of New York City I stumbled upon this contraption set up in Times Square. It appears to be some sort of bathtub rigged with water fountain faucets and hoisted onto a wheel-able base. Hosed directly into the city’s water line, this is probably one of the purest samples of New York’s tap water without the added factors of a particular building’s piping.

The system is equipped for 6 users at once and includes an additional spout to wash away any waste. This is a necessary feature considering the vagabonds and masses

of the underclass with access to this public service. I must say, the water pressure is sufficient but the hygienic element still disturbs me. Even with an additional cleansing spout, the image of an underweight homeless man using this as his personal homeless whirlpool tub is difficult to ignore.

Upon tasting the water, I recognized hints of auto exhaust, belly button lint, and McDonald’s special sauce. At this point one can only guess what sort of history this mobile fountain has but at the least we can excuse the auto exhaust as poor product placement. Nonetheless, this water is less than appetizing and the incredibly communal nature leaves it vulnerable to a plethora of contaminants. While I may review other New York City tap sources in the future, this is the purest sample accessible and thus the most reliable grade.

The Water Connoisseur gives this tap 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.

This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include spraying in the street during urban block parties, splashing onto a child’s crotch and laughing at him/her for urinating, and blotting out minor clothing stains.