Arctic Sol 739mL Bottle ($1.99)
I purchased this water at a rest stop somewhere along I-95 in Virginia. I’d been eating sunflower seeds throughout a road trip and ran out of the water I had brought along faster than anticipated.
The bottle, despite being of inferior plastic material, is pleasantly clear and large. Were there any visual imperfections in the water, spotting them would be rather simple. Many contaminants are colorless, however; a test for odor must follow. The musk this bottle emanated was strongly reminiscent of old chicken skin.
I asked the cashier to take a waft in order to confirm but she insisted it was outside of her professional responsibility. I personally believe familiarity with the product to be the duty of any water purveyor but I did not wish to challenge her threat of legal ramifications.
Perhaps the real reason she resisted though was her knowledge of the water’s quality, or lack thereof. I took a gulp after she resisted the bottle, and noticed distinct after-tastes of salt and rust. The water was curiously smoky tasting despite its transparent appearance. I resisted gagging as I was indoors but had I been in the privacy of my own home, I would have allowed myself to dry heave until whatever I had just consumed left my body.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include liquid density testing for Cuban refugee boat building materials, mixing with solid waste in order to soften it for the sink’s garbage disposal, and cement mix.
Evamor Natural Artesian Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)
Evamor is 
is a natural artesian water marketed as a rare alkaline source. Despite the water indeed being basic at a ph of 8.8, I would be hesitant before describing this as rare.
Although the bottle is not glass, they seem to exude some confidence in their product considering the clarity of the plastic and the diameter of the pouring spout. The water does indeed appear clear but the smell is unfortunately a detour from this pleasantry. I was not ready to waft due to the large spout that released odors at an exasperating rate.
Despite my quick reflexes, I did not pull my nostrils away before I was infiltrated with the fumes of cotton-balls and hamburger. This may seem like a pleasant odor to some despite its inappropriateness in context, but I can assure you it is not. Of course the subtly of it will allow the lay man consumer to possibly drink without notice but the harm done to their body will not be worth their ignorance.
I proceeded to take a sip, all the while still having to smell the stenches rising from the giant spout, uncover-able by my manly, yet moderately sized mouth -my whiskers soaking in the concoction like an unholy soup. The taste is reminiscent of meat floating in a tub of milk. Like garlic to vampires, this concoction is appropriately avoided by the Jews in this instance. Imagine this mix being left in the desert sun for a week or two and that is the taste that my highly sensitive palate picks up from this water. Unpleasant to say the least.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include wetting sandbox sand for easier pliability, spraying mist for rainy video filming effects, and hosing fraternity pledges early in the morning as a wake up call, physically but usually not metaphorically.
Kirkland Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($3.79 for 32 case)
I must admit that I was at first only familiar with batteries made by the “Kirkland Signature” brand. This is clearly not horizontal or vertical integration but after visiting the Costco store which sells this water, I learned that nearly every product imaginable is produced by Kirkland. Although this would give them the investment necessary for a proper water processing and filtration plant, it may cloud their business structure and take focus away from creating a quality water.
It seems as though they are trying to create a “Kirkland Community” by manufacturing just about anything a consumer may need for daily life. The waters are even 
equipped with a name tag on the label so that once the world is using nothing but Kirkland products, we can differentiate our waters to avoid sharing bottles. It is quite Orwellian in nature; at this point I am rooting for a poor quality water so that I am not put into a moral conundrum, contemplating surrender to our Kirkland overlords in order to continue drinking their water.
Upon lifting the cap I wafted scents of chamomile and buckwheat honey; this is pleasant I must admit but highly unusual for what should be pure H2O with perhaps hints of mineral deposit. I went on to taste without apprehension and of course immediately realized the truth. Beneath the chamomile and honey were more subtle aftertastes of hemlock, DDT, and lizard excrete. Of course these were not strong flavors but rather subtle hints that masked by the chamomile and honey would go unnoticed by the average consumer. It goes without saying that this water is of not just poor but suspiciously sinister quality.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include flooding villages that refuse to work with corporate investors, filling man-made lakes solely for the purposes of skipping stones, and setting off a phone water damage indicator to ruin someone’s chance of warranty replacement.
Wataah! Vapor Distilled Water 500mL Bottle ($2.00)
Wataah! is a water brand marketed towards children to be less “boring” than typical water. As an aficionado of the original, I find this bastardizing marketing gimmick to be offensive and misleading. What is being sold here is not water but cartoons and promotional elements. Only a quality product could possibly make up for the demeaning nature with which this water has been packaged and pedaled.
Once I removed the cap, I was surprised to find the bottle relatively devoid of odor aside from a hint of plastic. Upon taking a sip, however, I noticed hints of crayon, rubber, and the familiar bitterness of a crushed pill. The water looks quite clear and yet tastes as murky as dirt. There is an aftertaste similar to leaving the dentist only in a much dirtier, non-hygienic context. The producers of this filth do not expect adults to evaluate its taste, let alone an adult wielding one of the world’s most sensitive and pristine palates known to man.
This water’s branding is intended to take advantage of a child’s not yet developed brain and dulled senses, no different than plastic toys in a happy meal. The label boasts that it is “enriched” with magnesium, which comes from a plethora of sources. The particular source here is unlisted leaving much room for concern when taking the foul taste of this water into account. Children are our most valuable resource and I would be damned to allow this company to manipulate and abuse them by way of water.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Suggested alternate uses include filling bags to weight down antique hot air balloons prior to lift off, testing diapers for saturation capacity, and filling a water aerobics pool in a home for abandoned seniors.
AUDI Promotional Water 500mL Bottle (complimentary)
I went for a day-trip to a moderately sized town by the name of Edison, New Jersey, presumably named after the Bailiwick of Jersey, though no locals were aware when I’d asked. A former Oxford school-mate of mine had settled in the town with his ‘common’ American wife and the plan for the day was to visit the Audi dealership where he was considering making a purchase. I had grown parched during the test drive and was hoping I would not have to settle for tap. I will eventually make my way to that review, but I worry that I have not yet built up my immune system to survive New Jersey’s public water sources. Luckily, the dealership provided its own brand of bottled water.
It was difficult to predict what I had in store. Audi (German for
‘proper Aryan belly button’) is known for making luxury sports cars. I would assume their clientele would have high beverage standards, yet what I received was a standard plastic water bottle with a label resembling a child’s bicycle sticker.
Upon unscrewing the cap, the entire car dealer’s office filled with the stench of gym sweat and hollandaise sauce. I asked to be excused so that I could taste in private, in the event that my constitution were offended to the point of regurgitation. I managed to contain myself, focusing on all the future customers at this dealership who would be relying on my review to save them. I will not hypothesize the origins of this water as at this point it has no doubt been contaminated. While I did not vomit, the water made my mouth taste as if I had. Perhaps it is acidic, which is unusual for water. I tasted hints of alfalfa and old butter - a disorienting effect, perhaps meant to unbalance off potential buyers and hinder their bargaining skills. Luckily it was I who drank this offensive concoction and not my friend.
The Water Connoisseur gives this tap 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate suggested uses include artificial igloo material, diluting perfumes sold on urban streets, and humoring the heavier participants in a wet t-shirt contest.
Brooklyn Tap At Chinese Restaurant (free w/ Purchase of Meal)
I reviewed Manhattan tap in a previous post and wanted to compare between boroughs. I didn’t want a particular home’s piping interfering with my research and chose a public location as relatively neutral ground. The chosen location was a Chinese Restaurant called ‘Chinese Restaurant’ in Fort Greene, Brooklyn.
I must admit there was a language barrier that has caused a complication in my review. After ordering my meal, I asked the woman behind the counter for a cup of water. She understood my order without issue so I assumed this was also a commonly heard phrase that should cause no trouble. Either I was wrong or she intentionally deceived me because all of a sudden I found my self repeating ‘cup of tap water’ while pantomiming filling a cup from a faucet and drinking from it for several uncomfortable renditions. It was difficult to make out her final response but she left, seemingly to get my water, so I didn’t dwell on it.
Upon her return, she brought back the shallow container pictured above, filled half way with water. In retrospect, I believe she may have said “for your dog?” and I may have replied in the affirmative. I clearly used it myself however, and she watched with no objections. The water was no doubt tainted by the plastic and the container was not favorable to proper analytical drinking technique.
A new review of Brooklyn tap will come at an alternate location but for now I shall provide a brief summary of this putrid, tainted, and degrading tap water for fellow ‘Chinese Restaurant’ customers.
The water was on the salty side leading me to suspect the container had been previously used for soy sause and poorly cleaned. Aside from the soy and plastic overtaking the taste buds, I noticed hints of copper, baking soda, and burnt hair. I hope this is not the case for all of Brooklyn because this is not what I call gentrification.
The Water Connoisseur gives this tap 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Recommended alternate uses are washing eye glasses of Guantanamo Bay detainees, splashing in the face of a woman in the midst of a fit of hysteria, and mixing with soap to fill a bubble blowing children’s toy.
VOSS Artesian Water from Norway 500mL Bottle ($1.69)
VOSS is marketed as a high end water that is sold in a large plastic perfume bottle. The bottle appears glass at first sight, which contributes to VOSS’ aesthetic appeal. This is of course fraudulent since the bottle is not glass but the plus side is that the dimensions are perfect for sending through pneumatic tubes at a 1990’s drive through bank.
Upon first waft, the bouquet of the water is on the sweet side. I see no sweet ingredients listed, as no water should, so this may be explained by the apparent perfume bottle it is sold in. Taste is quite cloying as well. This is quite unnatural and unpleasant for a bottled high-end water and is nothing like the dulcitude of an intended dessert. This sweetness feels more like sucking unholy cane sugar out of a bees rectum. Drinking this water makes me feel like a diabetic being raped by the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. A debilitating death on all counts. There is a plastic aftertaste however, so we can at least assume our metaphorical marshmallow man is wearing protection. For such highfalutin marketing, VOSS has been a disappointment of epic proportions.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
Alternative uses for this water are soaking wood to increase pliability for crafts projects, watering down acrylic body paints, and flooding basements in Russian insurance fraud schemes.
Just The Basics 500mL Bottle ($2.99 for 24)
Just The Basics is about as cheap as bottled water can get. At $2.99 for a 24 pack at your local CVS, even the poorest homeless child can now afford to stop bathing in tap water like some sort of animal. As for drinking, that we shall find out.
As their name suggests, Just The Basics is claiming to throw away all the frills and tassels that most water companies throw in as luxuries and offer pure, simple, water. Nothing more, nothing less. The bottle is the most generic shape available and the label looks as though it was created using MS Paint and a 1997 Hewlett-Packard printer for a school project.
Whats inside is the most shocking. This water tastes as though it is supposed to get me intoxicated. Perhaps that is why a shot glass is portrayed on the label. I waited some time before taking another sip to make sure I would not ‘overdose.’ I monitor my health carefully as being a professional water aficionado has it’s risks of contamination. After feeling no inebriating effects I will brush health risks aside but if I am to be found deceased in my quarters, I urge the authorities to raid JTB’s facilities. Sometimes you get what you paid for, and other times you get something they should have paid you for. This water feels like an amateur science experiment and although at first glance, Just the Basics seems cheap, it is quite expensive considering how much THEY should be paying their consumers in order to conduct this sick Nazi research.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is a crime and should not be consumed by any self respecting free thinker. If you have already purchased it, some alternative uses are a waterslide at a mental institution, hydrogen extraction, and filling water glasses for delusional subway performers to play Christmas songs on.
Niagara Airline Water 1L Bottle (complementary)
Water on a flight is of particular importance as it can sooth the agitated body and calm the nerves. While I could not get a full bottle to myself, the stewardess allowed me to photograph it for my research before pouring the water into a small iced cup.
I flew coach but only so that I could review the water from a commoners perspective. The things I do for my public! It’s difficult to read all the nuances of water while airborne as the stale airplane air and fluctuating cabin pressure are so different from the standard water evaluating environment. This variance, along with the added ice, did little to mask the putrid smell and taste of the water, however. I don’t know which country they actually picked this up in but I hope it is not one familiar with Montezuma’s revenge.
If the color wasn’t clear I would swear to be drinking some sort of rodent’s urine. The taste of urine is especially bewildering as the smell was that of an old woman’s overly strong perfume. I would suspect that if I were to put a bottle of this out for the family dog, he would pass it by in favor of the toilet, whether recently flushed or not. It is good that all seats come equipped with a “for motion discomfort and baby diaper disposal” bag but perhaps they should add ”foul water regurgitation” to the label as I’m sure this takes up the majority of it’s uses. I pride myself on having an iron constitution but it may be possible that this water tasted better coming up than it did going down. Thank goodness the paper disposal bags are equipped to retain water without leakage.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
There are few alternatives when flying aside from picketing outside till more water options are offered. It is recommended that this particular brand be avoided at all costs, nonetheless. Possible alternate uses are pouring on the crotch of your sleeping seat mate if they have been a poor neighbor, washing a sweaty anal region during a particularly lengthy flight (in the bathroom or discretely at your seat), and using the meniscus inside the cup to determine the tilt of the airplane relative to the earth (science!).
NAYA Canadian Natural Spring Water 1L Bottle ($1.69)
Why would America pay to import a water that is so close to home and so similar to the generic waters found here? This isn’t from a particular spring, nor is it processed in some manner that is elusive to the US. Even if it had some sort of value, the United States is perfectly capable of taking this water by force. Canada lacks what we would even define as an “army,” why are we letting them draw from our GDP in exchange for vile Canadian water? And take my word for it, this water is indeed vile.
The label proclaims that they were the first to achieve 100% recycled plastic in a water bottle. What a disturbing thought it is that my water container was once a toilet seat or a vibrator. I am all for sustaining our resources but if we are using newly produced, non-recycled plastic for anything at all, that thing should be what we eat and drink out of. Make toilet seats and vibrators out of recycled water bottles, not the other way around, Canada. At least if you do, don’t export it back the the US. I have no problem with exporting the used vibrators and toilet seats of the US to turn into bottles for Canadians to drink out of.
As I lift the cap I smell everything this bottle predicted. The residue of toilets, the residue of vibrators, and the residue that overlaps in this Venn-diagram from hell. I needed to pinch my nose in order to drink without gagging. If there is an ideal taste that comes from our biology, one which plays a chemical game with the tongue the way a beautiful sonata plays an audible game with the ears, this water is the polar opposite of that ideal. I believe I was one sip away from this water giving my tongue a hernia from the undue stress.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
If you’re a Canadian, do whatever you want with this water. I don’t care. You deserve the consequences of your nations actions. Otherwise, drinking this is ill advised but you may find use in freezing this for hockey floors, humidifying animal cages, and baptizing godless Mexican convicts.
Page 1 of 2
