Simplify Water 500mL Bottle ($2.79/24pk)
A friend of mine had recently invested in a 24pack of Simplify Water bottles at a local Rite Aid. They were discounted for a few weeks and of course the average consumer does not consider the degradation in quality that is often associated with frugal water shopping.
Steven, my thrifty friend, offered myself and other guests at his soiree a bottle. I explained to him that this water is clearly beneath my standards but that I would review it as long as he would consider discarding the water if it is deemed unworthy.
Upon lifting the cap, I caught a subtle waft of kitty litter and nail polish remover. The factories that bottle these things often go through various products and of course the more shoddy plants do a poor job of decontamination. I took a sip nonetheless and was not surprised when the taste left my tongue in a sad state of disarray. I apologized after gagging amongst company and explained that my palate is simply more sensitive than the lay man consumer. My recent hospitalization story was certainly evidence enough.
Per our agreement, I drained the remainder of the 24pack into the sink and told everyone they were welcome to my services. I would say the Water Connoisseur was once again the life of a party.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include humidifying your guest house, testing gutter systems, and soaking rags used to cool feverish gypsies.
Crystal Geyser Alpine Spring 500mL Bottle ($0.99)
Crystal Geyser talks a lot of talk for a water in a plastic bottle. They claim to be bottled at the source of a spring to “ensure quality, taste, and freshness. I do not understand how these factors can be ensured when the entire operation is compromised by the plastic water bottle. This packaging seems to be a common “bottle-neck” for water quality.*
The water was relatively clear but the scent had a vague musk of old jigsaw puzzle cardboard. This is not a particularly harmful odor so I immediately went in for the sip and was caught off guard. There are indeed hints of cardboard but with an addition aftertaste of under-cooked bacon and a slight suggestion of iron.
Although the plastic bottle is the only obvious indiscretion, a a bacon and iron hue would not result from this. Either the bottling operation is contaminated with foreign agents or the spring itself has been compromised. This is a particularly alarming situation as it would effect the entire ecosystem of New Hampshire, but I digress. My specialty is simply in water and this sample is grotesquely sub-par.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5. This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include pouring into a gas tank to sabotage an enemy’s car, soaking a monkey’s fur before shaving it in order to claim it as a “freak-man” at a circus show, and weighing down the base of a driveway basketball post.
Rite Aid Pantry Crystal Lake Spring Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)
They days of a water connoisseur are long and arduous. I do not wish
to burden my audience with the woes of my efforts, but it takes a
pristine mental state in order to properly assess the taste of water
without mood and personal gripes swaying the analysis from an
objective one. Sharing my current ennui allows these feelings to purge
so that I may continue in a professional manner.
Once again on a trip to New Jersey, I stopped by the Rite Aid pharmacy
to purchase a comb for my beard and mustache. These hairs, despite
their elegant presence, must be carefully monitored and groomed lest
they contaminate the water as I drink it. At the Rite Aid I happened
to stumble upon their own brand fo water in the midst of others I am
more familiar with.
After purchasing the mustache comb and brushing all rogue hairs to
their rightful position, I lifted the cap to find a light stench of
seaweed and muskrat. The label specifically states “Sodium Free” so this is already disconcerting. I wafted a bit more before taking a sip and
finally tasting what can only be described as a mix of animal
parts soaked in seawater. This is of course subtle to me and often
undetectable to the average consumer, but it most definitely is a
health concern as well as a violation of FDA standards if not properly
disclosed.
The Rite Aid employee could confirm nothing when confronted. I do not blame him, of course; he is but a cog in the Rite Aid tainted water machine. Needless to say, this atrocity of a water was properly named after the lake in which the horrors of the “Friday the 13th” movies took place.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate uses include softening produce waste stuck inside a garbage disposal, putting inside a glass and covering a bad waiters tip upside down with said glass so that water is spilled when the glass is lifted, and wetting the anal cavity in order to create a seal and produce voluminous as opposed to silent flatulence.
Cumberland Farms Spring Water 710mL Bottle ($1.88)
Cumberland Farms is already on thin ice as it is not a farm but a
convenience store/gas station. They are apparently also a producer of their own brand of water. Although the brand is clearly false advertising, the fact that one would have to be at their store to buy this water should make it clear that they are not a farm.
The bottle is of a blue hue, which as noted on previous reviews also raises a flag. The blue tint is often a coverup for water so tainted that it’s very color is atypical, and this was indeed the exact case here. I honestly teared up from smelling this water and I did not cry at my own wife’s funeral. Of course these were not emotional tears but the chemically induced tears of a man poisoned by inferior water.
Like a typical soldier of water review, I marched on and went in for a taste. The putrid feelings set upon my tongue were not even the worst part. After drinking this water, one of my fillings fell out. I would normally blame shoddy craftsmanship but these had been done by the queen’s very own private dentist. The same one that has worked on David Bowie’s under-bite.
I digress however. The point is that this water was awful enough to cause physical damage to my temple of a body. As far as the taste, I will summarize it as prison wine passed through the digestive track of an elderly squirrel.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include testing windshield wipers, matting down greasy Italian hair, and wetting shirts for tie-dye if you are of that disgusting counter-culture.
Super Spring Water 3.79L Jug ($1.19)
I tried to find this water in a smaller container but there was none available. Either Super is meant for long term storage or they wish to position themselves as a ‘family brand.’ luckily, the families of the world can rest assured that the water connoisseur will use his abilities to assess their water for quality control.
Upon unscrewing the cap, I immediately picked up on traces of feet, wasabi, and bread mold. Not an ideal musk for a family water but of course scents can be deceiving. As unpleasant as it appears, I owe it to civilians of the water world to move onward, contain my constitution, and taste this already unpleasant product.
Smell is clearly a sense closely linked to taste but exceptions do occur. In this case however, the data was not counterintuitive. I have tasted many a bad water but this was a disastrous experience. My gag reflex could not be stopped once taking the first sip, upon which I immediately regurgitated all that I took in right back into the jug.
The most astounding part came after, however. I decided that I could not properly review this water without actually keeping it down and psyched myself for another go. I felt dismayed since I had tainted the sample by regurgitating back into the bottle. I took a sip nonetheless and was appalled to realize that the taste of this monstrosity was entirely unaffected by the infusion of my gastric acids. The only plausible conclusion is that this water contained gastric acids in the first place. Perhaps the Manson family was their target demographic.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include flooding gopher holes, testing newly built gutter systems, and smoothing out man made canals.
Deer Park Water Cooler 5gal Jug ($10 in bulk)
I visited a friend on the upper west side of Manhattan to find this water cooler residing as his primary water source. The equipment is free with sign up for delivery. This subscription costs $30/month for 3x5gallon jugs per month.
Although this is fair price for the quantity, I was appalled that my friend would make such a commitment to a water I had not yet reviewed. I expressed my concern for his well-being and insisted that I would use my professional experience to critique Deep Park and determine whether he should continue with his consumption.
After pouring a cup from the cooled nozzle, I wafted for a moment only to be defiled by the subtle undertones of roadkill and baby vomit. While I will admit these were not prominent scents but subtle hues that only a properly trained palate could detect, they are important in noting quality as well as the overall flavor.
I proceeded to have a sip and noticed traces of deer dropping, mud, and native American tears (mostly sodium). It’s a shame he had already committed to a month long delivery of this tainted water. While the heated side may kill some of the microbes involved, it is heated sub boiling level so many contaminants will remain.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include pouring onto hot sauna stones, drowning pets that you regret buying, and making homemade personal lubricant by mixing with vegetable glycerin and xanthan gum.
1 litre Natural Artesian Water 1L Bottle ($3.79)
1 Litre, a water branded and fit for a glutton. A cup is included as part of the bottle design for convenience, perhaps so that the hedonistic brute who purchases this water doesn’t choke from chugging a straight litre. Upon lifting the cap, I smell an odd bouquet of ham and mouthwash. Albeit faint, my palate picks up on such details easily. While the average consumer may not notice these aromas, they may nonetheless subtly affect their drinking experience, and more importantly their health.
Drinking the water indeed confirmed the ham and mouthwash to not be merely aromas. In addition, the massive plastic bottle has no doubt permeated the water with deposits of polymers and factory grease. Although these may be relatively trace amounts, consuming an entire litre of such pollutants will undoubtably cause adverse health effects.
Aside from the artificial contaminants mentioned, there is a strong aftertaste of woodchips as well as indeterminable animal parts. This water comes from Au Sable State Forest, which is a state forest with a strong lumbering history. Perhaps at some point, destroyed tree remnants as well as the carcases of animals the trees sheltered made their way into the local water ways. Either way this is not an ideal drinking source.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption but alternate uses include electrifying a basement floor in a future Home Alone sequel, filling bodies of water in miniature town models, and cooking Russian Krokodil heroin substitute.
Member’s Mark Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($3.29 for 32)
This is an immediately deceiving and offensive bottle of water. The ‘Member’s Mark’ brand implies some sort of elite stature, such as ‘Maker’s Mark’ or ‘Member’s Only’ and yet this bottle is the most generic, low budget packaging one could find. I have pledged to review all brands, however, and am hopeful that perhaps the quality is not reflected in the packaging. Perhaps this water is a diamond in the rough.
This bottle was supplied to me by a reader and purchased at Sam’s Club. A wise move on the reader’s behalf; I would encourage anyone who comes across a brand I have yet to review to send me a sample. My palate is far more sensitive to offenses of taste as well as potentially harmful materials than the average consumer - a combination of genetic predisposition as well as years of training and experience.
Lifting the cap, I am disappointed to smell traces of rubbing alcohol and WD-40. Perhaps used in the factory that bottles this water, traces of residue have remained. While this is not a promising bouquet, I shall nonetheless proceed. Upon my first sip, the scent of WD-40 becomes stronger and I taste significant oily residue along with an unpleasant saltiness. The label lists salt as an ingredient but claims this “adds a negligible amount of sodium.” I beg to differ. This water reminds me of my time in the war, being forced to eat month old Tilapia preserved with nothing but the salts from our own bodies. I do not wish to imagine those days any further than I wish to imagine the “member” that marked this water.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption but alternate uses include an aquatic puzzle piece in an OK Go music video, cooling hotel sidewalks during scorching summer hear, and detecting approaching dinosaurs via vibrations in the water’s meniscus.
Snapple Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($1.50)
Never would I on my own accord opt for one of the most over hyped, factory run brands in the beverage industry. I had a terrible migraine on my way to see the ‘Bridesmaids’ movie and purchased headache medicine at the nearest corner store. To my surprise, the only available water with which to take this medicine was Snapple. Not particularly know for their water, Snapple of course makes iced teas of sorts and yet has decided to abandon their signature glass bottle for their water line -an insult to the finest beverage.
It comes as no surprise then that Snapple is merely using their brand to market a product they care little about. The bottle is plain and the water is foul. I made sure to save some for after my headache subsided so that I could judge impartially. The musk is reminiscent of rubber and sawdust and the taste is no better. Apparently the best stuff on earth is not necessarily something that one should drink. Snapple does not market their water as aggressively as their other beverages leading one to believe it is simply waste product they have decided to dispose of. The only Snapple fact inside this bottle was that Snapple makes disgusting water.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption but alternate suggested uses are submerging tires in it to test for puncture location, removing makeup from research lab puppies, and soaking a sleeping persons hand to induce urination.
Re-Source Natural Spring Water 700mL Bottle ($1.29)
This review has already been compromised due to Re-Source’s need to spell their name using the earth in place of the letter ‘o’. Like the Ke$ha of water, only worse –there is no ‘earth’ key on the keyboard. My expectations for this water are already minimal as I suspect this to be a ploy so that the public is unable to search properly for Re-Source reviews. Luckily, the public is well aware that they can come to The Water Connoisseur to get their vital and accurate water information.
The bottle totes a 50% recycled plastic label which I would have guessed as it is discolored and feels flimsy to the touch. A true environmental brand would stick to glass. The bottle was also filled to the absolute brim. Quantity does not compensate for quality and in combination with the poor quality of the plastic, makes for a high chance of spillage. I do not consider myself overly masculine; although I did partake in my share of rowing at oxford, it was mostly to get closer to the water that had always fascinated me. Upon grabbing this open bottle, however, I immediately crushed its walls and the overfilled contents leaked onto my desk, keyboard, and gel pad.
Once again, perhaps the goal here is for all the water to spill, leaving the consumer parched and self-deprecated with no grounds comment on the quality of the water. Once tasting of course, everything becomes clear. The water tastes metallic and grainy as though I am sucking it through an industrial vacuum cleaner. After double checking the label I noticed this “brand” is actually owned by the Nestle Corporation! It seems easier to commit heinous acts when under the guise or moral superiority. Nestle sells this water as ‘Re-Source’ so that it could brand itself as ‘holier than thou,’ while sneaking by with hazardous packaging and heinous tasting water.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption but alternate uses include elaborate water-weighing puzzles to challenge action movie heroes, boiling and pouring on icy driveways, and demonstrating centrifugal force while spinning in a cup.
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