deLish Artesian Water 1L Bottle ($1.99)
The face of the large clear bottle deLish comes in boasts two selling points: a naturally balanced 7.6pH and 0% Iron. This water contains 0% of literally an infinite amount of ingredients so a special “shout out” to iron suggests a guilty conscience. How little iron is allowed to exist in order to be rounded to 0%?
Lifting the cap I immediately recognize trace scents of hospital
hallway. I recently visited a friend getting surgery at NYU
Presbyterian, so rest assured this smell is fresh in my mind and
unmistakable.
The first sip provided me with all necessary information. It seems my tongue is more finely calibrated than deLish’s lab equipment because I distinctly recognize at least .026-.031% iron. This is of course a non-lethal amount and does not negatively effect the taste. The aftertaste, however, is absolutely putrid. “Flavors” range from gutter residue to a bus floor. The iron content is not this water’s downfall but it is a key indicator in the companies flawed organization and quality control.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Recommended
alternative uses include attempting to dissolve a “rat king,” skipping
stones (as their packaging properly suggests), and disrespecting a
national flag via super soaker.
Aquarius Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($2.16)
While eating at a Five Guys hamburger chain I had noticed a particular brand of water I was not familiar with. $2.16 is far below my price threshold for water, but the quality should be consistent. The shoddy plastic bottle and retro label made the price seem excessive but I assume this is to offset the cost of unlimited free peanuts.
I lifted the cap and smelled distinct hues of ethanol and dried pork. These are of course incredibly subtle if not unnoticeable to the untrained consumer; to a professional, however, they are distastefully aromatic.
I proceeded to quaff the water despite its scent and undoubtedly, the taste was tragically similar. A nauseating mix of salt and free radicals. After some research, I had learned that Aquarius is a Brazilian subsidiary of the Coca-Cola owned Dasani. A hierarchy of command is unraveled as we travel further down the water bottle industry’s rabbit hole.
Despite the re-bottling and brand masking afoot, this water fails to pass my stringent standards.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include wetting a ladies sleeping bag so that she has no choice but to snuggle up in yours, warping your imbecile cousin’s records so that he grows up and finds a real career, and soaking a shirt in order to freeze it.
The Water Connoisseur is Back With a Review of NY2O Water 591mL Bottle ($3.89)
I have been away from my duties for 3 full months and it is with no levity that I take such a hiatus. Never would I, by my own accord, deprive the endearing public of the vital information this blog provides.
It is with my first review back that I shall explain the circumstances under which I have left this void in the blogosphere.
NY2O water was my review of choice 3 months ago after I had seen a bottle at a popular New York gift shop. I was in a rush so I placed it in my top frame briefcase, proceeded to hale a yellow-cab, and decided to review the bottle on my ride across town. I wish I could describe the scent upon lifting the cap, but it is difficult for me to do so because of a limited recollection as well as severe emotional discomfort. As was explained to me much later on, I carefully wafted the contents of the bottle and immediately fell into a deep coma.
My palate has been trained to such a heightened sensitivity that the toxins within this water made my brain shut off as a defense mechanism, preventing me from harming my own body with any further intake.
Lacking any immediate family here in the states, I awoke alone at Beth Israel medical center- only my familiar briefcase within my eye line. I opened it up for clues and found my laptop as well as the NY2O bottle. Never running from my duties, it was by pure visceral instinct that I opened the bottle and prepared to write a review. I took a sip of the water and immediately fell into a second coma, this time for two full months.
So now you understand that it was by no personal choice, and merely from the very dedication to my duty, that I have been absent for such an inexcusable duration. I beg the forgiveness of my readers, but this is one review I must delve into no further. I have no choice but to rate this water based on technicality.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include drowning subway rats, ash tray filler, and as a general instrument of death in the Obamacare mandatory euthenization plan.
PurAqua Spring Water .5L Bottle ($1.65)
I am unfortunately getting quite bored of these typical bottles but will review nonetheless. You want this and you will get it. PurAqua looks like a plain water, in a plain bottle, with a plain label. The only thing that could take me out of this ennui is the remote possibility of this water actually tasting good.
While I am always hopeful, it is difficult to stay positive when such a lack of style is shown in the bottle design. Judging a book by its cover is perfectly acceptable when that cover is capable of leaking harmful toxins into the pages and then you drink those pages.
The water smells a bit tinny with a slight hint of Elmers glue. I believe this glue to be nontoxic so I am not worried about taking a sip. The taste unfortunately, is highly metallic, but not enough to cover the aftertaste -an undeniable jolt of burnt tire rubber. It truly boggles the mind when contemplating the history of this water but it is better not to think about such things lest my brain suffer the same fate as my tongue.
I will say this much -I am no longer bored now that my palate has been abused by PurAquas demonic stench-ridden water.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include splashing your limousine driver’s face to make sure he is still awake, wetting the kitchen floor to make sure your maid will able to keep her balance and subsequently clean the mess should the floor get wet otherwise, and pouring onto your ex-wife’s fresh perm.
Appalachian Trail Natural Spring Water (free)
This was a natural spring water source we stumbled upon while hiking the Appalachian trail. According to locals, it is the best tasting water they have ever had. One such local, a camp counselor in the area offered to take us to the spot and of course I could not pass up the opportunity to give their water a professional assessment.
This particular spot was not far from the Delaware water gap. The camp counselor seemed excited by my presence as a noted expert, perhaps hoping that I would bring publicity to his camp. He eagerly watched as I smelled the water stream, finding essence of hikers sweat, scorched wood, and raw duck meat. I explained that my senses are heightened from my years of training and experience and what I pick up may not be so clear to him. I cupped my hands and took a deep gulp, picking up traces of bedrock, sweat, and more raw animal meats. I noticed several filthy looking hikers on my way so I can not begin to imagine the hedonistic acts of perversion that have gone on in these “natural” springs.
The counselor looked disappointed at my facial expressions so I gently explained to him that he should cease drinking this water and be weary of leading others to it.
The Water Connoisseur gives this spring 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include soaking camera film in the development process, wetting dry camping areas to prevent forest fire, and splashing on dirty approaching hikers in disapproval of their lifestyle choice.
PureSwiss Mineral Water 500mL Bottle ($1.89)
PureSwiss is the first glass bottle being reviewed and is much anticipated. Despite the superior packaging as well as potential import tariffs, the price is relatively low. Hailing from the Swiss Alps, this is a mineral water from the San Bernardino area. Although the packaging is a step above the norm, the cap is a simple metal top, as opposed to a cork.
Lifting the cap reveals a slight scent of cheese and ocean water. These are not necessarily negative connotations, albeit unusual for water so I am not deterred.
Bleh! I have tasted something no man should taste. The glass bottle has done wonders to preserve the foul sapidity of this water. For a neutral nation, Switzerland has manage to export an incredibly offensive and dare I say aggressive water. I taste hints of everything from cured fish eggs, to rusty scalpel and hikers feet. Either something in the Swiss Alps has been contaminated or they are merely exporting waste. I fear that my tongue may need to seek rape counseling.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include soaking then drying t-shirts for preshrinking, super soaker ammo, and creating fake puddles in preparation for a date to later drop a coat onto and portray chivalry.
Eternal New Zealand Artesian Water 1L Bottle ($1.99)
Eternal Water is a brand of smoke and mirrors, designed to give the illusion of high quality water. Perhaps the New Zealand public is easily fooled or perhaps my powers of observation are above the average drinker, but it is apparent to me that this is a substandard product.
A clever bottle shape allows an otherwise narrow label to
magnify, filling the back of this bottle. While quite the marketing gimmick, it feels like drinking from a bowling pin fished out of a dirty river. As noted to the left, this water goes through quite the geological journey that oddly enough results in smelling like rotted vegan cookies. In addition to having a basic pH of 8.0, this water contains a plethora of various elements. This is claimed as a “typical” analysis which begs the question of how often a bottle deviates from the norm.
Assuming this one does not, these elements result in an extremely foul concoction. I prepared a spit bucket before drinking although I told myself I would not use it so that a proper review could be made. This was not an easy feat. This water tastes like a a used diaper from a baby that has been eating nothing but chalk and matzo-balls. The quality of their water alone should be enough to make those Kiwis regret seceding from the commonwealth.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption but alternate suggested uses are splashing on your face to fake tears to manipulate juries and/or loved ones, soaking leather for Kentucky Derby horsewhip manufacturing, and pre-testing colostomy bag durability.
penta Ultra-Purified Water 500 mL Bottle ($1.99)
Penta Water is labeled as ‘Ultra-Purified,’ and is followed by a long list of contaminants that this water is ‘free of’ -including Chlorine and Arsenic.
When I exit the bathroom of the Natural History Museum I do not proceed to tell everyone in the hall that I did NOT just pleasure myself in the handicapped stall. What I mean is, either penta has a guilty conscience and this water contains arsenic, or this bottle should have an infinitely longer list of all the various elements that it ‘does not contain.’ This is a bottled water, not some leaky tap inside an Armenian medical facility.
It is a good thing I keep this review blog, not just for my readers but for a public record of the dangerous activities I partake in. Should I be poisoned via arsenic ingestion, the culprit has been preemptively ousted on the blogosphere.
Penta boasts a “13-step state-of-the-art system” used for its water purification. It sounds like a plethora of technology has been employed in their processing and I am afraid to say it has worked to the water’s detriment. Upon sniffing the bottle’s contents, I notice trace hints of silicone, epoxy resin, and copper; it smells like an overheated motherboard. Perhaps the machinery used to purify this water has in itself contaminated it. This water is the SkyNet of waters.
The taste of copper is all the more apparent. I close my eyes and am unsure of whether I am drinking water or fellating Johnny 5. Rather than immediately destroy us, this ‘SkyNet Water’ has chosen to contaminate our bodies as well as our spirits. Make note penta, this will not prevail if I am able to sufficiently spread the word.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate suggested uses include filling realistic children’s dolls that drink and pee, spraying onto 70s era Japanese automobiles to test for rust susceptibility, and pouring onto dirt to make mud.
ethos Water 700mL Bottle ($2.25)
I’d seen ethos water around town and decided to review it, not realizing that it is exclusive to Starbucks. The label boasts that for every bottle you buy, Starbucks donates 5cents to support programs to provide water- but only in countries where coffee is grown! How clever. This isn’t a humanitarian program, this just Starbucks trying to keep employees from dragging dirt into the factory. Hosing down Colombian field workers doesn’t count as charity.
I’m not here to judge the philanthropic validity of water companies however. I am here to judge the purity and taste of their product. This water feels off balance with an aroma hinting of a rusty engine. I pushed forward to take a sip and felt a flood of unnatural tastes hit my palate. Maybe strong enough coffee beans could cover this taste but I suspect that brewing coffee with this water is like making potato salad with pieces of used Dr.Scholls instead of pickle relish. It doesn’t feel unsafe or bacteria laden, but it does not feel worthy of the name “water.”
I must say I had high hopes for this bottle and expected to award my first 5 goblets but this water does not belong anywhere near a proper goblet. Even the labeling uses script lettering, a dying yet classic format.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
Although it is not recommended for human consumption, it may be safe to soak hot-dog buns in this water in order to condense them for eating contests, although I take no responsibility for the possible effects. Other suggested uses are filling tiny therapeutic waterfalls and flushing away flesh waste in meat processing plants.
evian 500mL Bottle ($1.89)
Ever since the outbreak of the avian flu, evian water has had a difficulty marketing its products due to an unjust phonetic association. Although quite arbitrary, skeptics have been “flocking” away from the brand with so many alternatives to choose from.
As a non-partisan source of review, I have decided to help evian out in possibly dispelling it’s undeserved stigma. Although the bottle is plastic, it boasts an ergonomic design particularly suited to holding the bottle with minimal hand contact, thus reducing the body heat effecting the water’s temperature.
The cap is designed for easy sipping, making one feel reminiscent of a lamb suckling its mother’s teat (cap not meant for children under 3).
Of course this did nothing for the taste of the water. Despite evian’s attempts at maternal nurturing, this water as a mother would be one that DYFS would be all over. This water tastes like the plastic nipple you are forced to suckle from and smells of neglect and nail polish remover. Albeit there is no association to the avian flu, I am not sure which reality is preferable.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
While not recommended for human consumption, this water may be pumped into a goose in order to expand it’s stomach size -to prepare to fatten it for foi gras, mixed with soap and used to mop subway floors after homeless defecations, and used in a high pressure water jet to wash hairy lumberjack backs.
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