Activate Deionized Water 20oz Bottle ($2.67)
Activate appears to be a promising brand aside from their use of a
cheaper plastic bottle. Any water claiming to be of superior quality
should be contained in glass, crystal, or bone. I do respect their
simple label design, however; the bottle is covered and yet has a
clear window from which to visually inspect the contents. All looks
clear, so let us hope other senses continue to satisfy.
Activate states that nutrients deteriorate sitting in water, so they do not add any. In fact, they remove all nutrients and impurities through a deionization and reverse osmosis process. Although I am well
versed in the technical aspects of these mechanisms, the average reader need only be concerned with results. Unfortunately, after
smelling the water, it seems the results are sharp scents of stale bread and workout clothes.
I am of course quite disappointed; my hopes were high for a water with
such a well articulated mission statement. The taste followed through
with a similar letdown. A soft aftertaste of mildew with dabs of
rotting yeast. I must assume there is a series of flaws in the
manufacturers technical process.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include cooling down hand blown glasswares, circulating through a “urinating Cupid” water fountain, and concocting artificial sweat for cybernetic organisms.
Sonic Wave Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($1.49)
On a trip with a few friends, I stopped by Sonic Drive-In as I had never been there before. For those unfamiliar, it is a throwback to the drive in restaurants of the 60s where burgers and shakes are skated over to your car by the employees. In today’s modern times, the skaters are no longer buxom ladies however. Ideally, the position is open to all but it was mostly aggressive teenage boys in hockey skates.
I am all for equality but rigorous physical activity and hospitality do not go hand in hand in hormone filled teenage boys let alone anyone. These young men were too busy showing off their skating moves and insulting the McDonalds employees across the street for having to work “on foot” to properly tend to their own customers. I patiently waiter, however, and finally received my water.
Sonic Wave water is the mad men of waters. I am referring of course not to the show Mad Men, but to the “mad man” characters that the show is about. They are aesthetically pleasing as is this bottle design. The graphic design is a subtle throwback to the visuals of the time. The function of these men, however, was often compromised by their various vices and indiscretions and this water is no different.
The bottle is still plastic and a bluish tint at that, which I have often mentioned as being a tool to mask oddly hued water. After removing the cap I smelled a subtle aroma of squid ink along with a tinge of hair gel. I’d be surprised to find that Sonic even offers a squid ink item on their menu so I will assume the contaminant entered early in the bottling process. After taking a sip, the ink took a more backseat tone with the hair gel becoming much more prominent on the palate. The feeling is quite disturbing albeit somewhat preferable to what I imagine a deeper squid ink taste would bring but most likely less natural and less safe for my biology.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include testing water safety gear for flotation, cooling 60s era water-cooled muscle car engines, and for throwing back at the rollerblading server as an adaptation of the popular “fire in the hole” drive through prank game.
athlade Sport Water 360 591mL ($1.79)
I started going to the gym again recently and decided what better time than now to review a water geared for athletes. Although it is a foolish idea that water needs to be specially marketed toward various specific demographics, I need not negate such waters from the scrutiny of my expertise. The public has a right to know, and perhaps one such water will nonetheless be of the fine quality that deserves respect.
The idea here is that the water has electrolytes infused in it. While I am a purist, such an addition should ideally cause no change in taste and will therefore be classified as more of a “synthetic mineral water” rather than a “sports beverage.” The distinction should be clear to anyone with basic working knowledge of hydrology and fluid dynamics.
The scent is that of mold. While it is difficult to specify, after taking a sip the taste becomes much more manageable. There is a distinct hint of shower mildew with a subtle aftertaste of seaweed. Although seaweed is salty, and salt is in itself an electrolyte, there is no excuse for the taste to be affected as such.
Although I have many more nights on the vibrating belt machine and in the sauna to go before I could proudly call my self an athlete, I have a plethora of experience at this moment to call myself a water connoisseur and this brand is not one that deserves my mark of approval.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include boiling a frog to see if it will jump out to avoid its own death, soaking clothes in order to freeze and shatter them, and leaving alone to allow life to grow with time from trace (or not so trace) bacteria.
NYC Water Mobile Fountain (free)
While walking the streets of New York City I stumbled upon this contraption set up in Times Square. It appears to be some sort of bathtub rigged with water fountain faucets and hoisted onto a wheel-able base. Hosed directly into the city’s water line, this is probably one of the purest samples of New York’s tap water without the added factors of a particular building’s piping.
The system is equipped for 6 users at once and includes an additional spout to wash away any waste. This is a necessary feature considering the vagabonds and masses
of the underclass with access to this public service. I must say, the water pressure is sufficient but the hygienic element still disturbs me. Even with an additional cleansing spout, the image of an underweight homeless man using this as his personal homeless whirlpool tub is difficult to ignore.
Upon tasting the water, I recognized hints of auto exhaust, belly button lint, and McDonald’s special sauce. At this point one can only guess what sort of history this mobile fountain has but at the least we can excuse the auto exhaust as poor product placement. Nonetheless, this water is less than appetizing and the incredibly communal nature leaves it vulnerable to a plethora of contaminants. While I may review other New York City tap sources in the future, this is the purest sample accessible and thus the most reliable grade.
The Water Connoisseur gives this tap 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include spraying in the street during urban block parties, splashing onto a child’s crotch and laughing at him/her for urinating, and blotting out minor clothing stains.
O Icelandic Glacial Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($1.99)
For such an extravagantly designed plastic bottle, ‘O’ water could have simply invested in a glass one, especially if they claim to be a carbon neutral product. This is simply marketing of course and it appears marketing is all that this water is about. A nifty looking bottle, a “carbon neutral slogan”, and of course branding. They have decided to market themselves as the third ‘O’ in the trifecta of ‘O’ brands: Oprah, Overstock, and now… O Icelandic Glacial.
This is purely a branding effort as the letter ‘O’ has nO significant relevance to this water, nor the Icelandic culture. Much of today’s markets run on arbitrary product associations and it seems Iceland is ready to obnoxiously take the lead.
It’s too bad, however, that their water is absolutely disgusting. They claim on the back label that ‘Iceland has one of the cleanest environments in the world.” I suspect that this is because all of their toxins are shipped out in O Icelandic Glacial water bottles. This water tastes like halitosis and spoiled dates- possibly Iceland’s largest waste exports.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate uses include pouring on a slip and slide made of garbage bags for Lebanese orphans, filling bowls to use as electrical points of contact when using a galvanometer on a living organism, and a Las Vegas water and lights show to fill time for degenerates between gambling and prostitutes.
Jana European Artesian Water 500mL Bottle ($1.59)
Jana is a Natural European Artesian water bottled in the “picturesque Croatian village of St.Jana.” With such a “picturesque village” it befuddles me as to why they would opt to inexplicably put photos of broccoli on their label. It also boasts being Europe’s best tasting water, awarded “Highest Quality” and labeled as Kosher. I am unsure as to the size of Croatia’s Jewish population but I do know they are paranoid if they need Kosher labels on their water.
To my pleasant surprise, the water is odorless despite it’s plastic container; all too often, the plastic bottle effects the scent of it’s contents at a detriment. Upon tasting however, it became evident why a Kosher label was necessary. This water tastes like diseased lobster. This would no doubt make any Jew suspicious although such disturbing taste should bother all religions and ethnicities. It is all too common to throw around Hitler and Holocaust comparisons when making an argument but in this case it is quite apropos. This water is the Holocaust of waters. Please note I do not make such comparisons lightly and have only used the Holocaust analogously in the past when referring to other significant genocides, my second marriage, and the time the cable installer switched on Starz instead of IFC. This water is worse than that. It is a poor ambassador for Croatia, which has been ignored by the western world ever since Bill Clinton stopped bombing the area.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is unsuitable for human consumption. A suggested alternative use is filling a moat with this water, adding circus performers and radioactive waste, and basking in the safety of a building protected by freakishly deformed animals; in addition, you can use this water to short circuit robots and to humidify cigars for death row inmates.
Volvic Natural Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($2.22)
I figured it was time to pamper myself and indulge in a water with the potential for greatness. “Volvic” water, despite its poor packaging, comes from France -the origin of all bottled water. It is advertised as emerging from a volcanic ecosystem, although the name “Volvic” is more reminiscent of the vulva than it is volcano. I will let this slide since neither image is a negative one, as long as both are chemically stable.
This bottle boasts a very strange environmental slogan. “100% Recyclable.” I was under the impression that a water bottle is either recyclable or it isn’t. Would a smaller percentage mean that you have to cut part of the bottle off before you recycle it? Or would it mean that they aren’t 100% sure? “This bottle might be recyclable! We think?” Poor use of statistics, Volvic Water.
It should be no surprise here that a volcano was not the best source for drinking water. My trained palate is just too keenly aware of the sulfuric volcano residue, making this water flood my brain with the taste of horse diarrhea as soon as it hit the tongue. Leave it to France to export the earths bowel movements to the land that saved them from fascism.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
Although not recommended for human consumption, this water would probably suffice well as a light fertilizer due to it’s volcanic sulfur content. It can also be used to transfer western diseases to indigenous cultures when colonizing and to squirt from a clown’s flower.
Fiji Natural Artesian Water 500mL Plastic Bottle ($2.25)
What kind of buffoon would design a water bottle to look like a fish tank? This is supposed to be a source of clean drinking water yet the image suggests residue of Koi excrete and plastic scuba diver. I checked the bottle thoroughly and see no fish but of course my eyes are not nearly as sharp as my tongue.
The brand name immediately caught my attention as I have been to the islands of Fiji, have drank from their artesian wells (to be reviewed later), and had never seen this brand of water on the mainland. Perhaps it is similar to Finland where the vodka (Finlandia) is primarily made for export due to strict government control of alcohol distribution. If that is the case here, I already deeply regret contributing my dollars to a socialist Fiji government that unnecessarily meddles in the water industry. This seems like a recipe for ethical disaster. The bottle claims it is carbon negative, but I suppose it is easy to keep emissions low when instead of machinery, slave children are used to do all the legwork. Slave children are mostly carbon neutral and never own vehicles.
After taking a sip I am extremely skeptical that this water was ever in an artesian well unless it has already passed through a digestive tract. Perhaps the “fish tank” bottle was designed with intent as there is a distinct “biological” aftertaste. Either this water has had a long and arduous journey from Fiji or it is actually bootlegged and bottled by Hasids in Borough Park. If that’s the case, you win this round Moishe, but you haven’t seen the last of The Water Connoisseur.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
Despite being the highest review to date, this water is not recommended for human consumption. Possible uses may be doggy baths, destroying an enemy’s electronics, and boiling mouth-guards for Vietnamese midget fighters.
