Aquarius Purified Water 500mL Bottle ($2.16)
While eating at a Five Guys hamburger chain I had noticed a particular brand of water I was not familiar with. $2.16 is far below my price threshold for water, but the quality should be consistent. The shoddy plastic bottle and retro label made the price seem excessive but I assume this is to offset the cost of unlimited free peanuts.
I lifted the cap and smelled distinct hues of ethanol and dried pork. These are of course incredibly subtle if not unnoticeable to the untrained consumer; to a professional, however, they are distastefully aromatic.
I proceeded to quaff the water despite its scent and undoubtedly, the taste was tragically similar. A nauseating mix of salt and free radicals. After some research, I had learned that Aquarius is a Brazilian subsidiary of the Coca-Cola owned Dasani. A hierarchy of command is unraveled as we travel further down the water bottle industry’s rabbit hole.
Despite the re-bottling and brand masking afoot, this water fails to pass my stringent standards.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include wetting a ladies sleeping bag so that she has no choice but to snuggle up in yours, warping your imbecile cousin’s records so that he grows up and finds a real career, and soaking a shirt in order to freeze it.
