Evamor Natural Artesian Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)
Evamor is 
is a natural artesian water marketed as a rare alkaline source. Despite the water indeed being basic at a ph of 8.8, I would be hesitant before describing this as rare.
Although the bottle is not glass, they seem to exude some confidence in their product considering the clarity of the plastic and the diameter of the pouring spout. The water does indeed appear clear but the smell is unfortunately a detour from this pleasantry. I was not ready to waft due to the large spout that released odors at an exasperating rate.
Despite my quick reflexes, I did not pull my nostrils away before I was infiltrated with the fumes of cotton-balls and hamburger. This may seem like a pleasant odor to some despite its inappropriateness in context, but I can assure you it is not. Of course the subtly of it will allow the lay man consumer to possibly drink without notice but the harm done to their body will not be worth their ignorance.
I proceeded to take a sip, all the while still having to smell the stenches rising from the giant spout, uncover-able by my manly, yet moderately sized mouth -my whiskers soaking in the concoction like an unholy soup. The taste is reminiscent of meat floating in a tub of milk. Like garlic to vampires, this concoction is appropriately avoided by the Jews in this instance. Imagine this mix being left in the desert sun for a week or two and that is the taste that my highly sensitive palate picks up from this water. Unpleasant to say the least.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include wetting sandbox sand for easier pliability, spraying mist for rainy video filming effects, and hosing fraternity pledges early in the morning as a wake up call, physically but usually not metaphorically.
Eternal New Zealand Artesian Water 1L Bottle ($1.99)
Eternal Water is a brand of smoke and mirrors, designed to give the illusion of high quality water. Perhaps the New Zealand public is easily fooled or perhaps my powers of observation are above the average drinker, but it is apparent to me that this is a substandard product.
A clever bottle shape allows an otherwise narrow label to
magnify, filling the back of this bottle. While quite the marketing gimmick, it feels like drinking from a bowling pin fished out of a dirty river. As noted to the left, this water goes through quite the geological journey that oddly enough results in smelling like rotted vegan cookies. In addition to having a basic pH of 8.0, this water contains a plethora of various elements. This is claimed as a “typical” analysis which begs the question of how often a bottle deviates from the norm.
Assuming this one does not, these elements result in an extremely foul concoction. I prepared a spit bucket before drinking although I told myself I would not use it so that a proper review could be made. This was not an easy feat. This water tastes like a a used diaper from a baby that has been eating nothing but chalk and matzo-balls. The quality of their water alone should be enough to make those Kiwis regret seceding from the commonwealth.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption but alternate suggested uses are splashing on your face to fake tears to manipulate juries and/or loved ones, soaking leather for Kentucky Derby horsewhip manufacturing, and pre-testing colostomy bag durability.
VOSS Artesian Water from Norway 500mL Bottle ($1.69)
VOSS is marketed as a high end water that is sold in a large plastic perfume bottle. The bottle appears glass at first sight, which contributes to VOSS’ aesthetic appeal. This is of course fraudulent since the bottle is not glass but the plus side is that the dimensions are perfect for sending through pneumatic tubes at a 1990’s drive through bank.
Upon first waft, the bouquet of the water is on the sweet side. I see no sweet ingredients listed, as no water should, so this may be explained by the apparent perfume bottle it is sold in. Taste is quite cloying as well. This is quite unnatural and unpleasant for a bottled high-end water and is nothing like the dulcitude of an intended dessert. This sweetness feels more like sucking unholy cane sugar out of a bees rectum. Drinking this water makes me feel like a diabetic being raped by the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. A debilitating death on all counts. There is a plastic aftertaste however, so we can at least assume our metaphorical marshmallow man is wearing protection. For such highfalutin marketing, VOSS has been a disappointment of epic proportions.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
Alternative uses for this water are soaking wood to increase pliability for crafts projects, watering down acrylic body paints, and flooding basements in Russian insurance fraud schemes.
Jana European Artesian Water 500mL Bottle ($1.59)
Jana is a Natural European Artesian water bottled in the “picturesque Croatian village of St.Jana.” With such a “picturesque village” it befuddles me as to why they would opt to inexplicably put photos of broccoli on their label. It also boasts being Europe’s best tasting water, awarded “Highest Quality” and labeled as Kosher. I am unsure as to the size of Croatia’s Jewish population but I do know they are paranoid if they need Kosher labels on their water.
To my pleasant surprise, the water is odorless despite it’s plastic container; all too often, the plastic bottle effects the scent of it’s contents at a detriment. Upon tasting however, it became evident why a Kosher label was necessary. This water tastes like diseased lobster. This would no doubt make any Jew suspicious although such disturbing taste should bother all religions and ethnicities. It is all too common to throw around Hitler and Holocaust comparisons when making an argument but in this case it is quite apropos. This water is the Holocaust of waters. Please note I do not make such comparisons lightly and have only used the Holocaust analogously in the past when referring to other significant genocides, my second marriage, and the time the cable installer switched on Starz instead of IFC. This water is worse than that. It is a poor ambassador for Croatia, which has been ignored by the western world ever since Bill Clinton stopped bombing the area.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is unsuitable for human consumption. A suggested alternative use is filling a moat with this water, adding circus performers and radioactive waste, and basking in the safety of a building protected by freakishly deformed animals; in addition, you can use this water to short circuit robots and to humidify cigars for death row inmates.
Fiji Natural Artesian Water 500mL Plastic Bottle ($2.25)
What kind of buffoon would design a water bottle to look like a fish tank? This is supposed to be a source of clean drinking water yet the image suggests residue of Koi excrete and plastic scuba diver. I checked the bottle thoroughly and see no fish but of course my eyes are not nearly as sharp as my tongue.
The brand name immediately caught my attention as I have been to the islands of Fiji, have drank from their artesian wells (to be reviewed later), and had never seen this brand of water on the mainland. Perhaps it is similar to Finland where the vodka (Finlandia) is primarily made for export due to strict government control of alcohol distribution. If that is the case here, I already deeply regret contributing my dollars to a socialist Fiji government that unnecessarily meddles in the water industry. This seems like a recipe for ethical disaster. The bottle claims it is carbon negative, but I suppose it is easy to keep emissions low when instead of machinery, slave children are used to do all the legwork. Slave children are mostly carbon neutral and never own vehicles.
After taking a sip I am extremely skeptical that this water was ever in an artesian well unless it has already passed through a digestive tract. Perhaps the “fish tank” bottle was designed with intent as there is a distinct “biological” aftertaste. Either this water has had a long and arduous journey from Fiji or it is actually bootlegged and bottled by Hasids in Borough Park. If that’s the case, you win this round Moishe, but you haven’t seen the last of The Water Connoisseur.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
Despite being the highest review to date, this water is not recommended for human consumption. Possible uses may be doggy baths, destroying an enemy’s electronics, and boiling mouth-guards for Vietnamese midget fighters.
