Jana European Artesian Water 500mL Bottle ($1.59)
Jana is a Natural European Artesian water bottled in the “picturesque Croatian village of St.Jana.” With such a “picturesque village” it befuddles me as to why they would opt to inexplicably put photos of broccoli on their label. It also boasts being Europe’s best tasting water, awarded “Highest Quality” and labeled as Kosher. I am unsure as to the size of Croatia’s Jewish population but I do know they are paranoid if they need Kosher labels on their water.
To my pleasant surprise, the water is odorless despite it’s plastic container; all too often, the plastic bottle effects the scent of it’s contents at a detriment. Upon tasting however, it became evident why a Kosher label was necessary. This water tastes like diseased lobster. This would no doubt make any Jew suspicious although such disturbing taste should bother all religions and ethnicities. It is all too common to throw around Hitler and Holocaust comparisons when making an argument but in this case it is quite apropos. This water is the Holocaust of waters. Please note I do not make such comparisons lightly and have only used the Holocaust analogously in the past when referring to other significant genocides, my second marriage, and the time the cable installer switched on Starz instead of IFC. This water is worse than that. It is a poor ambassador for Croatia, which has been ignored by the western world ever since Bill Clinton stopped bombing the area.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 2 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is unsuitable for human consumption. A suggested alternative use is filling a moat with this water, adding circus performers and radioactive waste, and basking in the safety of a building protected by freakishly deformed animals; in addition, you can use this water to short circuit robots and to humidify cigars for death row inmates.
