Crystal Geyser Alpine Spring 500mL Bottle ($0.99)
Crystal Geyser talks a lot of talk for a water in a plastic bottle. They claim to be bottled at the source of a spring to “ensure quality, taste, and freshness. I do not understand how these factors can be ensured when the entire operation is compromised by the plastic water bottle. This packaging seems to be a common “bottle-neck” for water quality.*
The water was relatively clear but the scent had a vague musk of old jigsaw puzzle cardboard. This is not a particularly harmful odor so I immediately went in for the sip and was caught off guard. There are indeed hints of cardboard but with an addition aftertaste of under-cooked bacon and a slight suggestion of iron.
Although the plastic bottle is the only obvious indiscretion, a a bacon and iron hue would not result from this. Either the bottling operation is contaminated with foreign agents or the spring itself has been compromised. This is a particularly alarming situation as it would effect the entire ecosystem of New Hampshire, but I digress. My specialty is simply in water and this sample is grotesquely sub-par.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5. This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include pouring into a gas tank to sabotage an enemy’s car, soaking a monkey’s fur before shaving it in order to claim it as a “freak-man” at a circus show, and weighing down the base of a driveway basketball post.
PurAqua Spring Water .5L Bottle ($1.65)
I am unfortunately getting quite bored of these typical bottles but will review nonetheless. You want this and you will get it. PurAqua looks like a plain water, in a plain bottle, with a plain label. The only thing that could take me out of this ennui is the remote possibility of this water actually tasting good.
While I am always hopeful, it is difficult to stay positive when such a lack of style is shown in the bottle design. Judging a book by its cover is perfectly acceptable when that cover is capable of leaking harmful toxins into the pages and then you drink those pages.
The water smells a bit tinny with a slight hint of Elmers glue. I believe this glue to be nontoxic so I am not worried about taking a sip. The taste unfortunately, is highly metallic, but not enough to cover the aftertaste -an undeniable jolt of burnt tire rubber. It truly boggles the mind when contemplating the history of this water but it is better not to think about such things lest my brain suffer the same fate as my tongue.
I will say this much -I am no longer bored now that my palate has been abused by PurAquas demonic stench-ridden water.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include splashing your limousine driver’s face to make sure he is still awake, wetting the kitchen floor to make sure your maid will able to keep her balance and subsequently clean the mess should the floor get wet otherwise, and pouring onto your ex-wife’s fresh perm.
Super Spring Water 3.79L Jug ($1.19)
I tried to find this water in a smaller container but there was none available. Either Super is meant for long term storage or they wish to position themselves as a ‘family brand.’ luckily, the families of the world can rest assured that the water connoisseur will use his abilities to assess their water for quality control.
Upon unscrewing the cap, I immediately picked up on traces of feet, wasabi, and bread mold. Not an ideal musk for a family water but of course scents can be deceiving. As unpleasant as it appears, I owe it to civilians of the water world to move onward, contain my constitution, and taste this already unpleasant product.
Smell is clearly a sense closely linked to taste but exceptions do occur. In this case however, the data was not counterintuitive. I have tasted many a bad water but this was a disastrous experience. My gag reflex could not be stopped once taking the first sip, upon which I immediately regurgitated all that I took in right back into the jug.
The most astounding part came after, however. I decided that I could not properly review this water without actually keeping it down and psyched myself for another go. I felt dismayed since I had tainted the sample by regurgitating back into the bottle. I took a sip nonetheless and was appalled to realize that the taste of this monstrosity was entirely unaffected by the infusion of my gastric acids. The only plausible conclusion is that this water contained gastric acids in the first place. Perhaps the Manson family was their target demographic.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include flooding gopher holes, testing newly built gutter systems, and smoothing out man made canals.
Appalachian Trail Natural Spring Water (free)
This was a natural spring water source we stumbled upon while hiking the Appalachian trail. According to locals, it is the best tasting water they have ever had. One such local, a camp counselor in the area offered to take us to the spot and of course I could not pass up the opportunity to give their water a professional assessment.
This particular spot was not far from the Delaware water gap. The camp counselor seemed excited by my presence as a noted expert, perhaps hoping that I would bring publicity to his camp. He eagerly watched as I smelled the water stream, finding essence of hikers sweat, scorched wood, and raw duck meat. I explained that my senses are heightened from my years of training and experience and what I pick up may not be so clear to him. I cupped my hands and took a deep gulp, picking up traces of bedrock, sweat, and more raw animal meats. I noticed several filthy looking hikers on my way so I can not begin to imagine the hedonistic acts of perversion that have gone on in these “natural” springs.
The counselor looked disappointed at my facial expressions so I gently explained to him that he should cease drinking this water and be weary of leading others to it.
The Water Connoisseur gives this spring 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include soaking camera film in the development process, wetting dry camping areas to prevent forest fire, and splashing on dirty approaching hikers in disapproval of their lifestyle choice.
Snapple Spring Water 500mL Bottle ($1.50)
Never would I on my own accord opt for one of the most over hyped, factory run brands in the beverage industry. I had a terrible migraine on my way to see the ‘Bridesmaids’ movie and purchased headache medicine at the nearest corner store. To my surprise, the only available water with which to take this medicine was Snapple. Not particularly know for their water, Snapple of course makes iced teas of sorts and yet has decided to abandon their signature glass bottle for their water line -an insult to the finest beverage.
It comes as no surprise then that Snapple is merely using their brand to market a product they care little about. The bottle is plain and the water is foul. I made sure to save some for after my headache subsided so that I could judge impartially. The musk is reminiscent of rubber and sawdust and the taste is no better. Apparently the best stuff on earth is not necessarily something that one should drink. Snapple does not market their water as aggressively as their other beverages leading one to believe it is simply waste product they have decided to dispose of. The only Snapple fact inside this bottle was that Snapple makes disgusting water.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 1 Crystal Goblet out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption but alternate suggested uses are submerging tires in it to test for puncture location, removing makeup from research lab puppies, and soaking a sleeping persons hand to induce urination.
