Evamor Natural Artesian Water 591mL Bottle ($0.99)
Evamor is 
is a natural artesian water marketed as a rare alkaline source. Despite the water indeed being basic at a ph of 8.8, I would be hesitant before describing this as rare.
Although the bottle is not glass, they seem to exude some confidence in their product considering the clarity of the plastic and the diameter of the pouring spout. The water does indeed appear clear but the smell is unfortunately a detour from this pleasantry. I was not ready to waft due to the large spout that released odors at an exasperating rate.
Despite my quick reflexes, I did not pull my nostrils away before I was infiltrated with the fumes of cotton-balls and hamburger. This may seem like a pleasant odor to some despite its inappropriateness in context, but I can assure you it is not. Of course the subtly of it will allow the lay man consumer to possibly drink without notice but the harm done to their body will not be worth their ignorance.
I proceeded to take a sip, all the while still having to smell the stenches rising from the giant spout, uncover-able by my manly, yet moderately sized mouth -my whiskers soaking in the concoction like an unholy soup. The taste is reminiscent of meat floating in a tub of milk. Like garlic to vampires, this concoction is appropriately avoided by the Jews in this instance. Imagine this mix being left in the desert sun for a week or two and that is the taste that my highly sensitive palate picks up from this water. Unpleasant to say the least.
The Water Connoisseur gives this bottle 0.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include wetting sandbox sand for easier pliability, spraying mist for rainy video filming effects, and hosing fraternity pledges early in the morning as a wake up call, physically but usually not metaphorically.
Appalachian Trail Natural Spring Water (free)
This was a natural spring water source we stumbled upon while hiking the Appalachian trail. According to locals, it is the best tasting water they have ever had. One such local, a camp counselor in the area offered to take us to the spot and of course I could not pass up the opportunity to give their water a professional assessment.
This particular spot was not far from the Delaware water gap. The camp counselor seemed excited by my presence as a noted expert, perhaps hoping that I would bring publicity to his camp. He eagerly watched as I smelled the water stream, finding essence of hikers sweat, scorched wood, and raw duck meat. I explained that my senses are heightened from my years of training and experience and what I pick up may not be so clear to him. I cupped my hands and took a deep gulp, picking up traces of bedrock, sweat, and more raw animal meats. I noticed several filthy looking hikers on my way so I can not begin to imagine the hedonistic acts of perversion that have gone on in these “natural” springs.
The counselor looked disappointed at my facial expressions so I gently explained to him that he should cease drinking this water and be weary of leading others to it.
The Water Connoisseur gives this spring 1.5 Crystal Goblets out of 5.
This water is not recommended for human consumption. Alternate recommended uses include soaking camera film in the development process, wetting dry camping areas to prevent forest fire, and splashing on dirty approaching hikers in disapproval of their lifestyle choice.
